Friday, January 18, 2008

we in the fast moving checkout line are on our own

The Cosmopolitan magazine was right there, and the guy in front of me had a small but densely packed cart so I thought I had a shot. I flipped and flipped but all the perfume ads and subscription cards and other cover story poaching guards blocked me until my time ran out. I would have had 10 subliminal tricks to make people adore me. Also, I could have found out why John Mayer says that all men aren't assholes. But it's the tricks to make people adore me that I would have liked.

Maybe I've stumbled on one. Put make people adore me in italics whenever possible, and that genie from The Secret will do it, he will make people adore me. (Yes, I watched it. I watched The Secret. I know what it is. Riches and bliss are mine, clownfish.)

But even if I have stumbled on one, I am without the other nine. I am going to make them up because I don't think it's fair that we in the fast line, we non-Cosmo-subscribers, we non-Cosmo-purchasers should have to shuffle around all unadored. I am going to use the penetrating power of my mind to determine what these tricks are for us. I am going to drill my way into a psychic Cosmo and unearth them. I will unearth all ten. The italics one is free. It is the thirteenth bagel. Enjoy it.

Ten Subliminal or Not Subliminal Tricks to Make People Adore You

1. When you speak to people, have your default mouth be a pucker, like you are about to lay a smooch upon them. And raise your eyebrows to make sure that you aren't conveying some kind of lemon-in-mouth message. Smile with your eyes.

2. If you are walking down the hallway with a colleague, slip your hand into theirs so you are walking hand in hand. (Let me know how this works. I don't have any colleagues.)

3. Mouth "I adore you" a few times when you want to take a break from puckering your mouth in a conversation.

4. Carry some cash in your hand, and casually dangle it towards people like you aren't aware you're doing it.

5. Say "bless you" to people when they did not sneeze. Just say it.

6. Sigh blissfully while people are speaking.

7. Do a miracle in front of the person whose adoration you would like.

8. Go around with a little bag and say you're collecting adoration for needy children but then when people give it to you, keep it. Keep the bag. (Don't tell anyone you kept the bag. This is very important.)

9. Post to your blog every day for a year. People adore this! Especially people on Facebook whose newsfeeds are clogged with your imported notes. What I mean to say is do not have a blog.

10. Carry around this month's issue of Cosmopolitan and people will assume you know the tricks, and then that will be a trick, they will think they're already being tricked into adoring you, and it will work. Even if they are aware that it's a trick, they will not know how to defend themselves.

We're in like Flynn, suckers!

1 comment:

Eve said...


Whatever you're doing, it's working. (siiiigghhhhh!)

I know I haven't been commenting as much as usual, but I LURVE your daily posts! You don't even have to dangle cash at me. Hee.