Monday, September 12, 2005

job opening

Are you psychic? Like, highly psychic? Mind-bogglingly, super-specifically psychic? And also, are you presciently psychic? Do you know what’s coming down the pike an hour or two from now?

Can you cook?

Can you live on no dollars a month?

Can you also do magic?




If you answered yes to ALL of the above questions, then I have a job for you, and you can start right now.

I am in desperate need of a psychic personal chef/magician. Pregnancy has turned me into an ultra-finicky, super-volatile-of-tastebud wreck.

Yes, more pregnancy food talk. Yes, yes. I’ve spent the better part of both yesterday and today on a shameful, Britney-Spears-inspired pregnancy diet of chocolate milk and puffy Cheetos.

Here’s what I need: I need this magical “employee” to constantly divine what is going to be palatable to my confused tongue, and I need this “employee” to get it ready for me before I need it. I also need the “employee” to be able too – and this is key – MAKE THE FOOD BE ABLE TO TURN ON A DIME AND CHANGE FORM IN FRONT OF ME SPONTANEOUSLY WHENEVER NECESSARY.

The cooks at the restaurant we went to for breakfast this morning, they did not have this skill. I ordered oatmeal, as it seemed like the safest, kindest item on the menu. It arrived looking kind. The first taste or two were kind. I looked away for a moment, and when I looked back, the oatmeal had changed. But this is the thing. It did not change FORM. It didn’t change from oatmeal to something else. It changed from benevolent oatmeal to malevolent oatmeal.

See, that’s not what I’m looking for. I’m looking for a situation in which, if I have some oatmeal in front of me that’s gotten off to a good start, and I look away and my mouth changes, and then I look back, I won’t see bad oatmeal there. I’ll see a bowl of strawberries and cream! Or pasta with garbanzo beans! Or whatever else the altruistic psychic chef magician has divined that I will need.

In the morning, I’ll wake up, and A.P.C.M. will have read my mind in my sleep. A.P.C.M. will be standing there by my bed with – who knew?- a Belgian waffle with peaches! I will eat a little of it, and when the mechanisms of my mouth begin to wobble, I will suddenly be eating – just what I needed!- a cheddar and jalapeno scone. This will continue all day long, and these combinations of food will provide my body with every nutrient it could possibly need, pre-empting the necessity to take my enormous dogsgusting Russian-roulette-game-of-potential-nausea-inducing PRENATAL VITAMIN.

I seek you, Dream Weaver. Come to me now.

15 comments:

jill said...

if you find this person, bronze them and stay pregnant forever... in the beginning of my pregnancy - i could only eat white foods - very healthy - NOT! then i couldn't eat chicken for the remainder. i couldn't get enough burritos and cheeseburgers and fries... the first meal after the birth - was chicken, i have yet in 18 months to have a burrito - and i plead the fifth to cheeseburger and fries...

good luck!

Brikin Blog said...

I don't know if I'm totally qualified but I really need a job.

Eve said...

Really, that's not much to ask. You are carrying an ENTIRE HUMAN around in your torso, for goodness sakes! A little free magic food is much deserved.

ps- I hope this comment didn't make you feel nauseated...

izchan said...

I am sorry all application to such individual has been taken.

There is only that many of us.

and there is a lot of pregnant ladies.

:)

Meghan said...

Ok. I can't fill that job and this won't help the food thing but for vitamins I hear the best way to go is to get either flinstone vitamins or those gummy ones for kids. I have been the friend through the nausiating early pregnancy stuff a lot recently and those are supposed the easiest on the tummy and least offensive to the palette. At least to keep some nutrients in when the food is pissing you off.
My friend Amanda used to get traumatized just from the wrong food commercials. Olive Garden was the biggest offender...

Blade said...

you should try some lemon shaker pie. i hear it does wonders for the pregnant ladies.

AJ Gentile said...

I love this dream weaver pic. LOVE IT.

Ha!

tina said...

Jill - Today I can only eat creamsicles, granola bars and V8. This shit is biZARRE.

Bog Face - Come weave it, dreamy!

Eve - You're a magic chef! I know about the bisque! Bring on my free magic food!

Izchan - ...Indeed!

Meghan - Good advice with the Flinstone thing. I'm hearing that around. And what I hate to look at on tv is juicy-looking-chicken. Brrr.

Blade - You eat it, Mrs. Zagat!

AJ - Thanks, man!

Jason Grote said...

I am teaching science and technical writing at Rutgers this semester and the first assignment is to find a job listing, then tailor a cover letter and resume for it. I am totally going to make my students apply for this job.

Stop it! said...

Hi,

I've never commented on your blog before, but read it religiously. I thought it only fair to introduce myself.

My name is Andrea. I'm 25 yrs old and work a hellish customer service call center type job. Recently married (sept. 3rd) and residing in Appleton, WI.

I will own my own drum kit one day and play in an all girl band where we will play songs like Ladytron but with more snot.

Your blog helps me get through the day. Sometime I will tell you a story about how I got here. Not here as in the world, but your blog.

Andrea

tina said...

Andrea,

Wow! I'm so delighted that you've introduced yourself! What a fabulous comment to find.

Well, hell! Tell the story about how you got here! Carpe diem, I say.

Congratulations on your wedding, damn it about your job, and hurrah to the band! And thank you for speaking up. That is great. I'm so glad to know that you're out there.

la Ketch said...

Monkey. Put down that bottle of prenatal vitamins and tell us something. Anything. Your fans are dying. WHERE ARE YOU?!

Stop it! said...

You're Welcome Monkey! Hope I made you smile.

Okay, here's an embarrassing story about how I found your blog.

Now, please disregard any spelling and/or grammar errors as I am at work and typing during and between taking calls. In fact, I have been here since 8 am and just took my 59th call. It's 1:00. But. That's neither here nor there (thought only really old people said that).

In 1998 I met a boy named Ryan. I was just starting college and worked at a TGI Friday's. Ryan was a server, I was a hostess.

I pursued Ryan maniacally. I told another hostess that I thought he had "kind eyes."

I asked him out.
We dated.
For a short while.
I never got over him.
He used me for sex.
Still never got over him.
He was a womanizer.
Still could not get over him.

Years later, I'm at work and slightly bored.

I looked up his name...Yahoo search. Okay...ryan wordell blog...bingo! soloshootsfirst.com

Okay, I think. This is his friend's blog. Oh! This Ryan's friend mentions Wil Wheaton.

I start checking Wil's site daily. I become obsessed. OBSESSED. Even my fiance notices.

One day while we were on a walk my fiance asked,"Andrea, do you have a crush on Wil Wheaton?" I said, "yes."

Bryan (now my husband) never understood my Wil obsession.

Alas, my obsession has waned. Too much poker talk bores the midwestern girl.

Then, Nickerblog!! Delightful!! Then...who is this Gallivanting Monkey? That's a funny name. Bet this'll be good.

STOP FRICKIN CALLING, PEOPLE!

Anyway..it was and is good.

Thank god I met that jerk at Friday's.

Anonymous said...

Jerk from Friday's here.

Glad I could help.

Manikandan said...

Hi. nice blog.Ihad already posted my resume in many job sites.Now I think that your blog
is best for free job posts
thanks........