Tuesday, October 09, 2007

the noisy little playboy returns

He's not mellowing with age, the Noisy Little Playboy*. He's not ready to settle down yet. His oats are, if anything, getting wilder.

*Latecomers, refer here and here.

Here he is in The Ladykiller, otherwise known as his Blue Colander Hat. Say goodnight, Gracie. You little ladies are toast if he makes it very far out of our living room.

He likes to look at the Pottery Barn catalog at the fireplace page. "Cozy fireplace!" he enthuses. And then he flips around the catalog and grows pensive. Something is missing. "More ladies," he decides. The Pottery Barn catalog needs more ladies. The Noisy Little Playboy realizes there's no point to a cozy fire without a pretty mademoiselle or three to pitch his wee woo at.

Specifically, he's looking for Pottery Barn to carry ladies' nipples. He was flipping through a veritable chopped-down rainforest of catalogs this afternoon on the hunt for ladies and their nipples. "Ladies' nipples!" he demanded repeatedly, "Get it!"

He covers his tracks. "Milk," he explains. "Milky."

Oh, ladies. Nice fire, huh? Mmm. Yes. My hat. You like? I'm glad you like it. Hmm, mmm. Ahem. My throat. It's a little parched, excuse me. Ahem, hmm. Could go for some, I don't know what we've got lying around here. Some...milk might...might hit the spot. Do either of you...say, that's a nice shirt, Francine. What's...do you mind if I just look under here a minute? Oh, well. Well! Well, say. I think... There might be a little bit of milk in here if I were to just-

AHBLAHBLAHBLAHrrrargh rrargh.

Dream away, my son. That's what catalogs are for.

P.S. Yesterday's new Finn word? "Educational." Ka-doing! It's from one of those Mo Willems Pigeon books. Don't Let the Pigeon Stay Up Late. The pigeon is, naturally, trying to stay up late and he's working an angle about a show that'll be on tv later that night, about birds. "Should be very educational, " he tries. Finn sponged up the word and is now wandering around calling things "educational".


dup said...

Man, I love me some noisy playboy adventures.

Anonymous said...

Setting: A ritzy, art-deco style office in midtown. Picture windows afford a sweeping view of the metropolitan skyline. The Noisy Little Playboy is seated behind a stately mahogany desk, across which are scattered numerous toys and plush animals, as well as an assortment of catalogs.

"Come in my friend, come in and have a seat. Cigar?"

"No thanks. I'm not supposed to eat them. The doctor says they're bad for me."

"Well, that's what doctors do, isn't it? Anyway, let me dispense with the formalities and explain why I've called you here."

"It is unusual for you to call so close to naptime."

"You and naptime. You're sleeping your life away! This is a world of opportunity for those who can manage to stay awake no matter what!"

"An opportunity is still not a nap."

"Touché, my friend. I have called you to tell you about my latest million-dollar idea."

"Ooh, I love your million-dollar ideas."

"Oh, I think you'll love this one especially. Do you know what these are?" He holds up a Pottery Barn catalog as well as an L.L. Bean.

"Ooh, I now this! They're called, uh something about cats?..."

"Catalogs, my friend, they're called catalogs. If you'll flip through them, you'll see that they feature attractive, happy people lounging by the fireplace, hanging around the ski lodge, sipping tea on the veranda -- all tastefully lit, wearing comfortable clothes, laughing and enjoying themselves in cozy, inviting backgrounds. They look like they're having a fine time, don't they?"

"Yes, yes they sure do. A fine time."

"But somehow, something's missing. There's something about these pictures that just isn't everything it could be. Do you see what I'm driving at?"

"Well, there don't seem to be many minorities in those pictures..."

"True, but besides that. What's missing?"

"Uh, I'm not..."

"Boobies! Boobies are what's missing! Oh sure, there are women in these photos, and all of them, presumably, have boobies. But you wouldn't know to look at it, because they've got 'em all covered up by these machine-washable faux shearling jackets and cable-knit crewneck combed cotton sweaters. And whatever photographer took these photos (he holds up the Pottery Barn catalog) seems far more interested in the furniture than anything else."

"What's a faux shearling?"

"Exactly my point? Who knows or cares what a faux shearling is?"

"Is it like some kind of French sheep? I don't get it..."

"Here's my vision: A catalog exactly like this one, featuring young, happy people -- specifically young, happy women-- sipping tea on the veranda, or fishing, or lounging by a cozy fireplace, but in my catalog, you can see their nipples. Same tasteful lighting, same cozy, inviting backgrounds, same upscale taste in furniture, but with nipples! I tell you it can't fail."

"Say, you may be on to something there. But I gotta ask, what is your catalog selling?"

"I don't follow you."

"That's what catalogs do. They sell you things. My Dad told me they're like books except the story is always the same, and it's always about buying the thing in the picture."

"Hmm. This is new information. Tell me more."

"Like the clothes those happy people are wearing. They're selling clothes."

"I did not know that. Hmmm. Well, obviously we wouldn't be selling shirts, would we? I don't know --- socks?"

"Sure, you could sell socks! Machine-washable, cable-knit, faux shearling socks. Do you have any idea what to call your million-dollar sock catalog?"

"Well, naturally I was thinking of naming it after myself."

"That could work. What say after naptime I call down to Legal and have them look into securing the trademark."

"The what now?"

"Trademark. It means you own a word."

"You can own words? I had no idea. You are a wealth of information! Talking with you is always so educational."

Eve said...

You must be fucking with me. EDUCATIONAL??!!!
I don't know if people who are not living with an 18 month old realize how FREAKING AMAZING Finn's vocabulary is.

This is what would happen if Finn met Ruby & Lily today:

F: Greetings and salutations, mademoiselles. I am charmed to make your acquaintances. (tips hat)

R&L: (gaping mouths, slight drooling) Gah. GAH!

F: Twins, hmmmm? (puts arms around their shoulders flirtatiously) Who's the "bad" one? (suave wink)

R&L: Dog. Dada. updown, updown, TAKA TAKATAKA TAKATAKA! Ah! (Ruby points at Finn's eye, nearly gouging it out.)

F: (dodging politely) Ah, yes. Speaking of eyes, yours are the bluest, most riveting pools of heaven that I have ever seen.

R&L: Mo, mo, mo, momomomomomo, bababababa. (Lily tries to steal Finn's shoes off his feet)

F: Ladies, please. There's MORE than enough of me to go around. Why don't we talk about nipples?

R&L: Aaaahh done, Ah done. AH DONE! (both start to rip Finn's GQ magazines into shreds)

F: I can see this isn't a good time- here, take my card, and call me anytime.

(Ruby eats card)

Ash said...

The hat is super cute and it makes me think of Devo. LOL about the lady nipples - what a funny kid!

Tina Rowley said...

Oh my word. FB and Eve. You're killing me. Glory be.

Dup and Ash: Thanks!