Tuesday, October 16, 2007

help me pretend to help you.

Please, if you will, answer these questions so I can make the blog that makes you happy*. Or, you can know by answering these questions that we can't be happy together.

*an exercise in futility, if you read on. Or, you know, already.

  1. How did you get here?

  2. I'm a regular/Tina, it's me, Dave.

    I was googling for milk boobs.

    I am very bored and have followed my friends' links as far as I can and you are the dead end.

  3. Do you like babies?

  4. A baby killed my family.

    A baby saved my life.

    Your baby is exquisite.

  5. Do you like clumsy MS Paint drawings?

  6. I love them.

    I am blind.

    I think I love them.

  7. Do you mind if I swear?

  8. Oh, fudge. I hoped you wouldn't ask that.

    Fiddlesticks! Swear away, my good man!

    I am a lady, you cocksucker.

  9. But do you really mind? If you do, I'm sorry about what I said up there.

  10. No, I don't mind.

    Swearing degrades us all.

    I secretly mind.

  11. Do you wish I would overtly make this a mommy blog?

  12. No!


    It is already.

  13. I was going to ask if you care if I post about other topics, but I don't know that I care.

  14. Good for you.

    You are a bitch and I wish I could smack your face.

    I am mad at you about something else.

  15. Do you find this all unbearably wonderful??!!

  16. This quiz? This blog? This life? Um....no?

    I do! I'm spinning around like a CHILD!

    Lop off the "y" and stick on an "e" and stop right there.

  17. Which will it be?

  18. Long walks by the beach, someone who can wear jeans or a tuxedo, someone both plain and fancy.

    I am at the bottom of a giant bag of potato chips, hiding and eating.

    I can't answer this, because I am already five web pages away.

  19. All in all, I will return to this blog

  20. because I love you/I'm your husband and you make me read everything right after you write it.

    blog this to return will I, all in All, NO.

    when you stop referencing this blog in your blog.

Thank you for taking this quiz. You are a brick and I owe you one. Please call me when you're moving and I will carry a box.

The thing is, you won't know if you got into the right preschool, or how you did, or what it all means, and neither will I because I built it funny. But submit your answers anyway because it hurts to take a quiz and not hit a button.

See, I built it to score not just with numbers but also with things like ":(" or "!" or ">:[". But it's too late to fix it and too late to care. The thing also didn't let me make your answers take you to a category like:

45-99 points: You're a stone fox!
10-44 points: A little concealer goes a long way.
-99-9 points: You googled for milk boobs.

Oh, fuck it.

Mostly top answers: You're conniving.
Mostly middle answers: You've got a lot on your mind.
Mostly bottom answers: There was a twenty dollar bill in the pocket of your blue cords. But you spent it on candy.


Larraine said...

Tina - I think I failed your quizz - can i still come and play over Christmas?????????

Tina Rowley said...

Failed it NOTHIN'. You ACED it. Get over here!!

bladio said...

i got a weird score. anyway i don't care what you write about on your blog because you're a great writer and everything you put down it so good and funny and touching. i love hearing about finn and i think there is a stigma against mommy blogs but who gives a fuck, just write about what you want, who cares. the term mommy blog is tossed around willy-nilly much like the word bipolar, it's used when people don't want to think hard about what they're actually describing.

Christopher said...

Seriously, it's your blog - write whatever you want, because, well, that's what a blog is for, isn't it?

And I'll keep coming back, so long as I can still see my screen from the bottom of this sleeping bag-sized bag of Sour Cream & Chives flavored Ripples I bought at Costco the other day.

Ash said...

Amen Bladio! Everything on this blog is funny; the subject doesn’t matter at all.

Ash said...

P.S. When I think of “mommy blogs” I think of all the boring shit people want to tell the world about their kids. I don’t think that I have to point out to anyone that a cute kid wearing a Devo colander hat, flipping through catalogs, yelling “LADY NIPPLES!!!!!!” is far from boring. It’s totally hilarious!

Eve said...

Everything you write here is charming and hilarious and perfect.

Anonymous said...

Write what you want! It's YOUR blog! I like it no matter the topic.

Tina Rowley said...

Thanks, everyone. I debate putting this up there because it's sort of a dorky thing to ask, as it is my blog. But I want people who come here who don't know me to feel welcome, to not feel alienated or something. But that's something I can do in the writing. I don't need to make the topics predictable.

Blade, you're very right about the term "mommy blog". I don't love that term. And when I think about it, a lot of blogs that I like - that I think would identify that way - actually don't self-identify like that. That's just pasted on to them, I think, right? Like Finslippy and whatnot.

robkroese said...

You so totally copied me.

I love your brain.

Anonymous said...

Hi, I am new to your blog, but I do have an opinion (on everything I'm afraid).
I would like to see more haiku, less foul langage (insted use words like Frick and Crimany) and maybe some suggestions on how to get spilled nailpolish off my new mink coat.
JK of course, keep on...you are perfect just the way you are.