Ahoy. I be Tina Rowley, Level 60 Barbary Pirate of Facebook. At yer service. Or no, no. At nobody's service! That's not piratey to be at your service, I think.
I love being a pirate because I love things that are a little bit boring. It's lulling to be a Facebook pirate. Soothing. Mind-numbing. Hypnotically retarded.
It's like this, it looks like this.
You're sailing along in your little ship. Only, of course, you're just looking at a sad little cartoon of a ship. You click along, and approach land, enemy ships or just nothing. Mostly nothing. With small variations in weather.
Partly cloudy. Doot doo-doo.
Storm cloud! They tell you to go back to harbor. I don't go back to harbor. That's right. You heard me. I go on. What?! Tina, no! No to YOU. I go on.
I get caught in a hurricane. Or, yeah. There's a cartoon in front of me with a grey ice cream cone on it. As a result, I am stronger. Or my ship breaks and another kind of pirate ship that's cuter than my kind - stripey red sails - saves me and I become that kind of pirate for a while. But they're called Buccaneers, and though my ship is cuter now, I miss being called a Barbary pirate. But then after I do this for four hours another hurricane comes and my ship breaks and a Barbary pirate ship saves me and I'm a Barbary pirate again. So, now when they tell me to go back to harbor, I do because I don't want to be a Buccaneer pirate again. Or a CorSAIR pirate, whatever THAT is, even if their ships are drop-dead adorable, which I don't know. So, when I said I go on before, I was talking about when I was young, before I learned.
Sailing again. What I really like finding is a desert island. You can find booty or bury your booty. There are no options like shaking your booty or booty calls on these islands, but I don't need those options. I am "all" "about" "the benjamins".
Score! Island! Search for booty!
This is what you want to see. Coins! Coins coins coins pirate coins arrgh. But usually, you do not. You see nothing, and yer back to sailin'.
I should enjoy it when I run into the next thing here, but I don't.
This is an enemy town. First of all, this is a lame graphic. I just can't get excited about pillaging this scene. It looks like a bunch of paper clip factories to me. Second of all...
...c'mere a second. Away from my crew. I have three crew members. You guys...I think my crew is also lame. They go in and attack a house and frequently just barely escape with their lives. Or they get robbed. Or they pillage, like, one coin. Sometimes they'll have a good night and bust out of there with 16 coins, or, like, 35 on a real wing-dinger. But while they're in there pillaging for that split second, I'm like, come on boys. I'm shaking my head. Let's pull something out, dorks. If I were, say, their parent, I would not be a proud parent. Those are my boys! I would be one of those assholes at the Little League games who are all C'MON, TOMMY, LOOK ALIVE WHAT WAS THAT YOU CALL THAT INFIELDING?!
But I love it, this tiny stupid sea. I buy new cannons with me coins. I click and look at the fake weather. I fight enemy ships (I had no graphics I could copy to show you) and throw bombs at my friends who are pirates and I steal their coins. I "eat" "ham". I explore north. I explore south. I row, row, row me boat. I stare at this same tiny cartoon. I waste my god-given talents, whatever they may be, and grow small increments older in the most relaxing way. Like visiting a flat, five-inch, fake spa.