Saturday, November 12, 2005

trials of the pregnant dryer spaceman


Princess Sputnik, by Mark Ryden.

Much is happening. My center of gravity is shifting forward. When I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I sway and tilt and grab for doors and sink edges. This makes me nervous. I'm only four and some months along. What will happen when the addition nears completion? Will I need to find a new way to walk? Will I need to tip backwards a little?

When I was in college, there were two oddball guys who had opposite walks. One wore a little red pair of shorts all the time, and walked very fast with his head and torso tipped forward leading the way. This is the song we wrote for him:

Buh nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh I live in Ly-mon*
Buh nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh I got my red shorts on
Buh nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh Don't look for me I'm gone
Buh nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh Goin' to class
Buh nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh Got to get there fast
Buh nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh HEADFIRSTFEETLAST!

*a dorm called Lyman, but for the purposes of this song it's pronounced Ly-monh, or however you spell it when you're sort of droppping the 'n' except for that Frenchy open-mouthed nasal hint of it. Also, "on" and "gone" are sung with that same French ghost 'n'.

Then there was another guy who took a lot of drugs and had a bit of a white guy 'fro going on. When he walked, he tipped a little backwards, like he was walking down a hill that wasn't there. It was always fun to imagine the opening strains of "Purple Haze" when he strolled by.

Bownh-Nownh Bownh-Nownh Bownh-Nownh Bownh-Nownh
BeeerneeerneeeerNEER, Beeerneeerneeerneeer........

The first walk I described could kill the baby later on, so I must be sure never to accidentally do it. And it looks like I might have to cultivate the second one! When you see me walk by, feel free to go all Purple Haze on me in your minds.

Yesterday, pregnancy brought me the pleasure of something I'd never experienced before: coughing, puking and peeing my pants all at the same time. So, that's done. I can cross that off. Let's consider that a fucking fait accompli, and never revisit it again.

Yesterday was also our first meeting with the other midwife at the birth center, Felice. I am in love. She's funny and warm and spicy. We had to take some blood, which I hate, and is impossible to do with my practically veinless arms. We got some out of my hand, and then she called the lab to find out what the minimum amount was for this series of tests. I fell in love with her when she was talking to the lab person, and she said, "Yes, but that's not really true. I know that's not the real minimum. I want to know the real minimum." She stood up for my hand! I nearly made out with her on the spot.

In two weeks we'll get a fancy fetal scan ultrasound. And if the fates are with us, we'll get to find out which flavor baby we have. Holy mama. Oh, mama. Canna wait. Dying to know who we've got.

In non-pregnancy related news, Dave and I went to go see Ellie Parker yesterday. Don't do it. Don't do it. We walked out after forty of the longest minutes ever. Forty Jupiter minutes. Here's Naomi Watts eating a blue ice cream cone. For five Jupiter minutes. Here's Naomi Watts bopping her head back and forth in her car on her way to an audition. Five more Jupiter minutes. My head did the involuntary shaking-back-and-forth thing, which is always the Fourth Horseman of the Entertainment Apocalypse for me. Dave and I agreed that if we were given the choice of staying for all of Ellie Parker or walking back in to the last Woody Allen movie we walked out of, we would have walked back in to the Woody Allen. Harsh toke.

10 comments:

Eve said...

Lordy- my cheeks always hurt after reading your posts- so great is the smiling..

I really don't want to be the person saying this, but I'm doing it in a spirit of reassurance, OK? You will not need to worry about the walking, because God will take care of that by making your bum and back plump up with fat to balance your body out. I could hardly beleive it when it happened to me, and I was angry at God for a long time. I thought that he had forsaken me, but I've since made my peace with it. Plus, the backyard storage came in handy as milk making reserves later on.

Thanks for the warning about M&M- I was gonna rent that.

Jenn said...

Oh my gosh, you are both making me laugh so hard! Don't worry Mrs. Tina, I will hold you up if you start to tip. :)

la Ketch said...

do they make padded maternity pants?

beckyd said...

Since you brought it up, I must tell you how glad I am that you and bighead wrote that song. CK and I sing it around the house just about every day -- no kidding.

I had forgotten about the "I live in Ly-mon" line, so thanks for the memory jog. But isn't there another line? "My socks are really long." (Because, if you remember, he wore those tall athletic socks all the time, which really, um, complemented his red shorts.)

rock on!

-bd

john said...

I wish I could claim co-authorship of the Lymon song but that must have been at a party at which I was not skulking about. I think that's a Cara Ely number, actually. I collaborated with Cara later on the Ben Stedman song about the keys around his neck. But not the Lymon. I don't even know the Purple Haze dude. I missed that one entirely. The big payoff on the Lymon song is trying to get headfirstfeetlast to sound enunciated in any way cause there are so damn many consonants. You're up against rstf at one point and, you know, good luck with that
.

beckyd said...

Who wrote that "Blame it on the Women" song about that Phi guy?

-bd

tina said...

Becky and John- Although "my socks are really long" would both fit and be true, there were only three spots for "onh" rhymes, and amazingly, the length of his socks didn't come up. And now I'm second-guessing myself...was it, "I got my red sweats on" rather than his shorts? Because he had red sweatpants, too, which may have been his winter garb. But I'm delighted, Becky, that you guys are keeping the flame alive. Yes, Cara and I wrote that number at the SUB, watching the man speed by.

And "Blame it on the Women" seems to me like it was a group effort...I tend to think you were involved, Bighead. Do you deny it?

Also, B'head, please refresh my memory about the Ben Stedman song, won't you? It rings a bell, but I can't get it to play in my mind. Also, the Purple Haze dude is indeed someone you know. I'd say his name here but like a fool I put this URL in the Whitman class notes and I don't want to embarrass anyone. I'll email you his identity.

john said...

This is getting Diddy-esque in the ways that I receive credit for songs that I contributed nothing to creatively. No, I had no part in the I'm All Right With Me song either.
Ben Stedman was an affable class of '92 fellow who always wore his keys around his neck. While working at the post office, Cara and I composed the following ditty:
Ben Stedman keys around his neck
Ben Stedman saying what the heck
Ben Stedman walking for a while
Ben Stedman always has a smile
Ben Stedman not a lot to say
Ben Stedman must be on my way

momster said...

tina, tina
Where DO you find your unusual illutrations? Did you just google
'dryer-shaped space person with baby inside'?

tina said...

Momster - We saw this guy's paintings at an exhibition here in Seattle, and I remembered that he had some weird baby ones in there. So I google-imaged the artist, and there was Princess Sputnik,all useful!