Monday, May 22, 2006

blown away

Christie, Dorothy, Meg, Lia, Eve, Girlysmack, Robin, Peggy, Adam and Suzanne:

I was so shy after I'd posted that last post. But I'd felt like I'd been giving such a one-sided picture of my experience, all milk and perfume and baby captions. I felt like a phony if I didn't tell more of the truth.

And what a reward. I wept (in a good way!) when each of your responses came in. I have a dear friend who's been sort of so-so about blogs, but she read my post and more especially your responses, and there the beauty of a blog was revealed.

You are all so kind, and your support really comes in like sweet fuel during this bumpy time. I want you to know that I'm deeply taking in everything you've said, and I so appreciate the level of your responses. How comforting to hear your stories, and how touching. My god, how life doles it out sometimes. I won't be shy about seeking help, and if we determine that medication's the ticket, then I won't balk. I have a fantastic therapist that I see, and I'll be talking a mile a minute in there.

I will say that most of the time, I'm on the up and up. It's just that occasionally I step where I think there's floor or ground, and instead I fall into a hole for a while.

I'll also say that it's as though Finn read the post and decided to kick it up about fifty notches for me. Since Sunday night, Finn's started looking at me, and today (Monday) he started truly gazing and smiling at me. Good God. Transcendent, transcendent feeling. Tonight he was snuggled and blanketed in my lap like a sleepy samurai warlord, and my face was just a few inches from his as he was heading into slumber. We were staring into each other's eyes, and I felt like the boundary between us just slipped away the longer we looked. He felt like every being in the world, and the only being, like life itself. That was a hole I fell into with bells on.

How can there not be improvement when sweet beings like you all send such loving energy our way? Your contribution to our well-being is real, and deeply felt. I'm thinking of each of you and wishing to return the favor. I'm willing for you that any pains in your lives lift and blow away. I hope blessings rain down on you, like the ones you sent to rain on me.


la Ketch said...

ohhh goooood. sniff, sniff....

Stop it! said...

Somedays I want to be a mother and can see myself loving it.
Other days it's the last thing I want.
Reading your posts since the days before you found out you were pregnant, have made me understand how life works.

Thank you.

DL said...

Oh Tina, now *I*'m crying !

People so often act as if they don't make a difference and they speak as if they don't make a difference.
But you make a difference and I am glad we could too.

My blog ( esp. my live journal) has been my support group through Cornish and ever since then.
I hope the three of you are being blessed to and I am wishing for a speedy and happy recovery.

YogaLia said...

I wish there was a blog symbol for a gasp that's as big as a room and full like a cloud. Thank you. (thank you).

Adam Szymkowicz said...

I'm trying not to cry at work.

Much love.

Eve said...

I'm so glad that we helped lift you up a bit- you've done the same for me many times with your comments. :)

Hope you have a Happy Tina Day, full of milky Finn grins and gazes. So awesome!


bladio said...

i have been away from your blog... wow! what a beautiful post, sweet poet.

Anonymous said...

i am a random american student in britain that linked to your blog from another blog and ... that has to be the most beautiful blog entry that i have ever read. like adam? said .. "i am trying not to cry" in the library.

best wishes

(egg) said...

Faith, hope, and charity, sweet Tina. "I made a bundt cake!"

xo Peggy

Anonymous said...

Now I"M crying and I have a cold, so I can't afford to (snot wise.) Thanks for being real. There is a beatuiful line in a William Staford poem about telling each other the truth so that we don't get lost in our mutual life in the dark. We are all helping each other through this life and our truth telling helps us know how to get around a little better.