Let me tell you straight out, this post is written to elicit sympathy. I understand that posting a Hang In There kitty picture for myself was a risky maneuver in that light, but there we go. Love me despite the fact that I've already provided my own kitty.
This last week has been no good. No good. My mom had a sort of collapse last Tuesday, and it turned out that she had a couple of blood clots in her lungs. We had to get her quickly to the hospital, where she's been since and will be for a couple more days. She'll be all right, it's treatable. They're giving her blood thinners and she's stabilizing. But she came close, there, and that was horrible. And even though she's better and will be fine, you know how it is - there's a chapter in a novel I read once, the title of which (the chapter) was "The Prospect of Rescue Undoes You". My mom and I had a fine weep today as we contemplated how close she came to...yeah.
We've been staying most of this last week up at my mom's place with my brother, who has some chronic situations that require support. The bed there is not good for gigantic pregnant mofos who have enough trouble sleeping as it is! And, goddamnit, I am about to pop. No kidding. Trying to be all bustly and efficient for my mom and brother is a physical challenge right now. I can barely freaking walk! I'm having the Braxton Hicks contractions, but where they used to just feel like a sudden curling of my belly into tight armadillo formation, now they're getting painful and not-fuck-around-y. Saw the midwife last Thursday, and I was 60% effaced and a centimeter dilated already. I'm certain that things have advanced since then, because these contractions are, as I said, not fucking around. I'm trying to make peace with them as they hit, because hopefully they're sparing me some time during actual labor, hopefully they're getting the sort of early work done on my body that Dave and I have NOT been getting done on our house. Nice to know that my body isn't a procrastinator, even if my mind and my husband and I surely the hell are. Our house isn't quite ready, and I really suspect that Finn isn't going to sit around and wait for his due date. So that's freaking me out. Trying to juggle my beloved mom and brother and our baby readiness and my aching lump of a body is bringing me down.
And also, I'm the driver in the household, and driving's getting tougher all the time. I'm getting close to giving that shit up until the baby comes. So, waah to that as well!
It's all a bit much, I say. I feel that it's enough to be facing imminent birth and parenthood. Life was an asshole to throw motherly blood clots into our scene.
That's the suckball report. Bring on the pity! Come to the party! I'm totally throwing it!
For those who may be feeling ballsy: don't even think of invoking My Therapy Buddy right now.
13 comments:
i'm truly sorry to say this but everything will be alright. believe it! feel the words. i'm not envoking, i'm only telling the truth! can't you ask some people to come over and help you get that room together? it will probably take less time than you think... i wish i was there to help. loving you from across the country instead...
Yikes! From one stressed-out pregnant lady to another, I think you should take a day, or half, or whatever you can get away with and do NOTHING. Sit on your ass and read, or sleep, or whatever. I did and it worked wonders. It might be the last time you do it in a while...
Sounds like you've weathered the storm okay though, and that your body is getting ready for the next big thing! Exciting times! I hope your labour and delivery, and everything leading up to it, is a healthy and amazing experience!
Do you remember when you were over and I had just heard that story on NPR where the lady was talking about how she never felt like she was transcending the experience. She just felt like she was surviving? I, like you I think, have a reputation for being a strong person which you know sometimes just sucks ass. Just because you CAN handle something doesn't mean you should HAVE to handle something. And it never feels good. It never feels like you know "Whoohoo! I'm a superhero! I can do it!" It feels like stress and hell and crap.
But as Paul kept saying when I was in labor and I kept saying "I can't do it," You're already doing it. And it will end.
Also re: kitty, I had a dream where I was in a hotel room sitting on a couch and from under the couch emerged kittens and puppies. TONS of them. Wiggly cute kitties and puppies.
Awww, honey-child, I love you so much. Let me know if there's anything I can do ... if I can, I will.
Oh Tina! What a craptastic week! That really IS too much at one time, I wholeheartedly agree! I would send you many comforting hugs, homemade dinners, prenatal massages, and a chauffeur if I could.
Let me provide some whining harmony for you, as I FEEL your prego pain right now so very clearly, and it is a shitfest. A big fat FUCK YOU to Braxton, and the Hicks he rode in on! I can't even sit in a movie theatre anymore for the whole two hours, and I swear to god, there is a baby foot in my vagina. Lord have mercy on us...
xo
Sorry to hear everything has been so sucks. If there's anything I can do to help out -- run a few errands or paint a room or make some cookies (or my new favorite: slab pie) or whatever -- just holler. Seriously. I'm a helpy helper.
Oh dear - everything hitting you at the same time, just when you are at your most vulnerable, physically and emotionally.
My mom was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumour when I was pregnant with my first; I know how hard it is to carry on when everything around you seems to be crashing down around your ears. Hang tight! That baby will come and sleep quite comfortably WHEREVER it is, be it a dresser drawer or in your arms. A beautiful, fully-equipped nursery is not a pre-requisite, just a bonus. Windows without curtains do not mean that you aren't ready - you're body is doing its job just fine.
Wish I could help, but don't be afraid to ask others if you need it - neighbours, friends all wish they could help out but aren't always sure what you need, esp. if you come across as self-reliant and confident.
Good luck! Looking forward to reading about the new arrival.
Suzanne
Here is kismet for you! I discovered your blog while doing a search for My Therapy Buddy.
Has he come yet? Is he as soft and wonderful as I imagine? He must be, I am sure he is just ... alright! I emailed the inventor to see if he will make smaller ones, I want to get one for each person in my office.
Now on to your suck ass week...
Everything is going to be alright, the best thing in the whole world is about to happen! (and I am not referring to the arrival of My Therapy Buddy!)
We have so much in common! My husband and I just had our first son (on October 18), and I am a first time, late thirties mama, and I was fucking ginourmous!
My husband took video of me at when labor was just beginning. I was on the couch in this mumu thing that was all that was left that fit, and I looked like Jabba the Hut. I covered the entire fucking couch!
I cannot imagine having any independent life stressors at the time. Getting my fat ass off the coucha nd to the toilet before I wet myself (just only a little bit!) was all that I could handle, and the fact that the babies room wasn't done yet just caused me panic.
Driving? You are driving? Can you still adequately reach the steering wheel and pedals without the steering wheel embedding in your belly?
So let me tell you how it all turned out... On October 18, our Jackson Carter was born...at HOME (yes, on purpose). He was just about half an ounce shy of 10 pounds. (Yes, I did it at home, without a c-section, or an epidural or even a Tylenol. I felt like the most powerful being in the universe!!!)
It was the greatest moment of my life. Yes, everything changed, totally for the better.
When you wait as long to have children as we have, you think just before the baby comes, that there might be some regret or loss of freedom. For my husband and I it was totally the opposite!
I was fucking around working, watching reality tv, vacationing, partinging, eating out, when I could have been doing this all along!?!?!?!
Nothing has made me happier than being a mom (I might revise that when I get My Therapy Buddy).
From one do-too-much-girl to another, it is time for you to STOP, to the extent possible, and start hanging close to home, slow down, and start resting for the marathon.
Good luck, I will check back for baby news!
Robin McStay
littlelawyergirl@hotmail.com
it will, though. it totally will.
i'm sending vibrations through the continent. the best i've got.
OMIGOD! I have to add one more thing!
I was looking at your earlier entries and realized you read Spiritual Midwifery.
My midwife told me to read that book and only that book because I am one to tend to overthink things (of course I read that book, and eight hunderd others, but that's just how I roll).
As "tantric" as it is, that book is really important, particularly now that you are at the very end and sort of in crisis with other things.
People had babies on the roadside in a converted school bus, for chrissakes!
YOU CAN DO IT TOO!!!
Att he same I time I was reading that book, I saw the news story about the woman in Sri Lanka during the tsunami, who was 9 months pregnant, stuck up in a tree.
Her mother was in a nearby tree, clibed down, and swam to her daughter to help her deliver the baby, IN THE TREE!! (I bet her baby room so did not have the crown molding completed!)
It just made me realize, women have babies in less than ideal circumstances all the time, I certainly can do it here in the comfort of my own home.
And I did.
Hail to the woman in the tree - jesus!
I know it's assvice, but you really do need to step back from everything and focus on you & the baby. Your Mom of course is allowed in there too, I can't bear to imagine how horrendous that was and how relieved you all are now - phew! But as for everything else? Forget it, all of it.
My son slept in our room for at least 3 months, until he couldn't fit in the bassinet any longer. Actually, I lie, he slept in our room for more liek 12 months but about 7 of those weren't our choice...anyway, while you're night feeding be it breast or bottle, you'll want to keep him close by so you don't have to fully wake up every 2 hours.
He won't care whether his room is done or if you have all your bills paid or thank you cards sent or any of those things and neither should you, well maybe ask someone els eto take care of the bills for a while, they do have a habit of growing if left unattended. But seriously it is time for you to step back and just 'be' pregnant. The physical demands on your body are already starting to tell you - hey lady we donwanna do this no more, see that comfy couch, park yer bum on it and veg baby, eat, veg, pee every 10 minutes, but veg!
You're not able to do all the things you used to, you're growing a whole human being in there fer chrissakes, it's not easy!
Hope you're feeling less stressed soon, hon, sending you Zen vibes!
Oh, man, everybody. I'm overwhelmed with all of your kindnesses. You cats came through with more sympathy and sweet vibes than I could have expected. I'm really grateful to you.
Laura: I'm excited for you that you get to have another ultrasound! That will be excellent. I bet the wee smore looks gorgeous.
Hil: Love you, too, dear bear. Things are getting way better. And Morgan came over and helped, Elizabeth is coming Thursday, Shafty and Jenn are totally on board to help. We're gonna make it after all.
Callie: Sending you great homestretch wishes as well! Thanks for the reinforcement.
To the P: Freaking exactly. And it's great getting encouragement from someone who is a couple of hundred feet up the road.
Egg: Thank you, sweet one. I'll totally holler if we get stuck.
Eve: Those thoughts totally count, you kind thing. I'm sending ethereal versions of those things to you, too. And I say after we give birth we meet Braxton and Hicks at the playground and kick their scrawny asses.
Becky: Slab pie?! What is that? It sounds good! Also, that's a good way to describe how I look right now. You are very sweet to offer your help, and I will let you know if we need anything. Thanks!
Suzanne: Oh, my goodness. That must have been horrible, I'm so sorry. Thank you so much for your support, I really appreciate your comment.
Robin: Wow! I'm delighted to hear how you found my blog. I love that you emailed the man about smaller buddies. That is excellent. And I loved hearing your story (we're aiming for a home birth, too, and it looks like we've got a hefty little man in there) and your thoughts on the whole thing. Way to go, ass-kicking birth giver! As far as driving goes, I've got a whackjobby, American Graffiti-seat-leaned-way-back cruising style that brings my belly right up to the wheel without initiating a caesarean. I figure I got a few more days with that one.
Louella: You're right. It will. And I feel that your best vibes are working because things are really looking up. I appreciate it, good one.
Boliath: Thanks, you. I'm going to do just that. Eat, veg, pee - yeah. That pretty much comprises the list of appealing things. Thanks for the zen vibes, they are just the ticket. And we've got a little co-sleeper to hook on to our bed, so we'll be in the same room with the wee man. It's sort of all three of our nursery that we're throwing together. But we're just about there with it. It's very nice of you to give the good word.
Leave a comment if you need anything. I am not working this month. Stressed out monkeys are a bad thing.
Michelle
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