Monday, April 10, 2006

going for the oven mitts



We're going to the midwife tomorrow (today, perhaps, from your perspective - TUESDAY). At that midwife appointment, they're going to...do something to encourage labor to begin.

WHA?? HWHA??

Yes. Last Thursday we had a midwife appointment and she was like, ain't no reason for you not to have this baby sooner rather than later. We're keeping this eye on my blood pressure and on things not developing into preeclampsia, and we got what might be a big baby in there. So, the feeling is, he's cooked. Let's maybe encourage him to emerge from the oven.

I'm for it, I'll tell you. Who is the elephant in the picture? Is it Finn? Am I the elephant? That's a possible yes and a definite goddamn yes. OOF OOF UGH DAVE HELP ME GET OUT OF BED HELP ME UP TO A SITTING POSITION ON THE COUCH OH MY HIP MY FEET MY BELLY.

And then also it's like....hmmm. I think I have to pee. I'm going to get up and OH NO THERE'S NO TIME I MUST RUN FOR IT AAH AAH PANTS DOWN GET THE PANTS DOWN IT'S A RACE AGAINST THE PEE AAH WHO WILL WIN?! Now, miraculously, I have always won. But by a nose, motherfuckers. By a nose. By a nosehair. The pee is looking strong these days.

Also, it's like, here's a plate of eggs and toast. I eat it. Three hours later, nobody from my digestive system has come to retrieve the eggs and toast. They sit there, making me feel creepy. I burp forty times. Nothing is happening.

Also, who is this baby? I keep picturing random babies, because I've never seen a baby of my own. I can't wait to see his actual face. It's like I'm looking at a picture frame that I bought at the store that still has the flimsy model picture in it, standing in for my loved one.

Dave's mama arrives from Australia tomorrow night (tonight....TUESDAY). Hurrah! It's all getting so real.

I wonder what Midwifey will do. She can't strip my membranes because I got a situation where that's not supposed to go down. Will I get acupuncture? Will she give me an herb? A talking-to? Is she going to feed me spicy enchiladas? Is she going to try and have sex with me? Just how are we going to convince this baby to get out of the oven?

WE WILL SEE.



P.S. I send a large shout-out to Miss Bladio Blogio, who took me on a great shopping expedition to Target and Whole Foods yesterday (day before yesterday....SUNDAY), so I didn't have to drive. It was a fine time and she was a honey to do it. I bought all manner of whack shit as I have no idea what I'm doing.

9 comments:

la Ketch said...

FINN! FINN!!! COOMMMEEE ONN Little/big BuddyyEEEE!! Get on up and get Down! i think the midwived will put together a dance party and position you in a way so that it's projected at your nether regions. Then he will be coaxed down, head first, similar to that flashlight thing you were doing but like, with james brown.

louella said...

so, i had this dream last night that i was talking with you all casual like on someone's couch, and you had this lump in your lap, and at first i assumed you were still pregnant but actually finn was just hanging out under your sweatshirt. he peeked out and i said something to him, and he totally imitated it. you had this, like, four day old baby who could hold his head up and grin and mimic sounds. i was amazed. then you drove me to my old elementary school, where you were going to enroll finn because he was so developmentally advanced that he was going to enter kindergarten in the fall. the end.

Boliath said...

You made me laugh out louyd at the office, deeyam, I'm supposed to be working, girlfriend!

Your midwife is going to have sex with you, nobody from your digestion team is coming for the eggs on teast, the pee is winning, too funny too too funny, late pregnancy is not funny, I sympathise, but not long now eh? Bet you're getting that phrase 50,000 times a day :c)

I tried acupuncture, foot massage, walking, membrane stripping, no sex or cod liver oil, both seemed repulsive at the time...good luck with your labour starting methods and if you do end up inducing, get the epidural before you have your waters broken - just my piece of assvice.

Hang on, you're all homebirth and no drugs aren't you? Sorry, forget the epidural, make out and be groped instead :c)

Weehee not long now, yahoo!

kww said...

Yeah, I had membranes stripped repeatedly, black and blue cohosh, evening primrose, red raspberry leaf, acupuncture, sex, nipple stimulation with a breast pump--my kid was still 10 days late and 9 lbs. Did I mention he was at a +2 station and I was 4 centimeters dilated for almost TWO WEEKS. Seriously, I would start to sit down and be like whooops almost sat right on his head--shake my boomsy around until I could sit down without destroying my baby's brain.

Gotta love Bladio Blogio--and she knows A LOT--including about Tums and Dreft! I wish she were here to go shopping with me...

You are going to be great--sending positive energy your way!!!

momster said...

Tina- it won't be long now! Each time Bladio helped me out with nest preparations, my baby came the next day!
Yippee!

Anonymous said...

Yay! The finish line is in sight!
come on Finn, come on...
Suzanne

la Ketch said...

what happened?!

kris marie said...

Thinking much of you Tina, much love and sweet wishes for Finn on his big journey!

xoxoxoxo
kp

louella said...

oh, and: i love those boppy breast-feeding pillows, and i'm not even preg. they're just nice to lie on. it's like a very nuturing bolster.