Sunday, August 14, 2005

magic 8 ball says insufferable at yule time

Dave and I went to a big party last night in honor of the closing down of the sketch comedy group I used to be in back in the day. But I'm not here to talk about sketch comedy, lords and ladies. I'm here to talk about babies, mofos. Bear with me.

Clearly, I'm nowhere near the Down Low with this impending baby. But at the party last night, when people asked me how far along I am, and I was like, "NOT VERY, BEBE!!!", I got a few sort of recoiling responses. Like, ew, oh, you didn't say that. Like, AWK-ward!

Let me just say that I totally understand some people's instinctual nervousness to hear that. Some folks have been down a bad road, and that response is just going to be automatic for them. But others, others just had it anyway, the AWK-ward! response. And then I felt like a jackass.

So, yeah. That happened.


Today began the freaky tiredness. This isn't like a regular tiredness. My mind is alert. Even my arms and legs, they're alert. But my belly is WEIRD! It constantly feels like I've just done a large amount of situps - that fresh, non-achy muscle exertion feeling. And it makes talking difficult, because it feels like talking uses some of the same muscles that are building the baby wing.


Christmas is coming.

Yes, not soon. But it is coming. And I know just how I'm going to be.

INSUFFERABLE, wieners!! I'm gonna be like:

(singing in whispery, reverent, transatlantic-accented falsetto):

What chi-i-ld is thi-is who laid to re-est on Ma-ry's la-ap is slee-eeping?

Ah-wa-ay in a manger, no crib for a bed, the little lord Rowley laid down his or her sweet head....

Si-ilent ni-i-ight, Ho-oly ni-i-ight.....

I'm going to be jackassing around looking all serene and knowing and wise and beatific. Look at me, everyone. The beauty of motherhood.

Am I not so sensual, so pure? Behold the holy womb, my hands alight upon it like resting doves. Fetch me a plate of cookies, you person. I cannot move, I must rest.

Because I have a little of that going on right as we speak.


Nailed It said...


this would be a good time to start ignoring people that make you feel like a jackass about anything related to the baby, because they will never shut up or stop looking over their glasses or give you chastising looks or ask if you let your little senator "eat that?" or ask when you're having more and how many more and when again or how long you were married before you had kids or where you're gonna live or why and what and when and we didn't and you shouldn't and I've heard and oh my god please shut your collective word holes!

They will never stop judging or asking, so the easiest thing to do is stop listening and know that whatever you do is right. Ignore the fools.


Tina Rowley said...

Great advice, kindly given, Shane. Thank you.

Hear that, suckballs? Suck it!

izchan said...

Subject: Incoming Baby.
Solution: Give Birth baby.

everything else ... let them fuss about their tenants.
You just keep your newest household tenent happy and healthy.

before I forget ...


:) ... I am a sucket for babies and their mums.
ooohh ... I did not say that out loud.

l. said...

i'm late on the felicity train, but . . . ooo! congratulations.

Kris McN said...

Shane is so right.

Also, lap it up. Not so much now, but once you start showing, you will be treated as a Special Person. Complete strangers will offer to assist you with the smallest task. They will gaze upon you fondly and offer congratulations. You may not always feel adorable, but you will be adored. And you totally deserve it.

Enjoy it while it lasts because once Junior Rowley comes along you will no longer be star of the show. Oh, it's the beginning of a whole new fantastic thing, don't get me wrong, it's just that your Season of Being Special is over. You gotta get while the gettin's good.

Woo hoo!

Eve said...

I also loved all of the pregnancy attention- I hope you do too- get ready for the staring and double takes, inappropriate touching, and endless questions..
I loved as a resource for all of the questions I had about the bizarro things that your body will go through..

Again- I'm SO excited for you!!!!!

Eve said...

Hmmm... I just read my comment again, and it sounded sarcastic, but it WASN'T! All of the weird prego stuff was truly excellent and wonderful!

Eve said...

Uuummmmmmm... another side effect of being prego is that people worry about you when they don't hear from you. I really hope you are doing well, young lady.

Tina Rowley said...

Eve, you are one kind person. I'm doing well! Hormonal and basket-casey, but well.