nobody call me between 6 & 11 pm

I will be staring at the television so hard that my eyeballs will push out the lenses of my glasses.

I LOVE THE GOLDEN GLOBES.

Oh, Christ, Christ on a red carpet they make me happy. See, I'm a sucker for celebrities, I love fashion...and also I think perhaps I am starved for recognition. These things conspire to completely crackify awards shows for me. (Not all of them. The Grammys can suck it because who is everybody and who cares? The Emmys can likewise suck it. The Tonys, too. Snooze alarm! Wha'? Huh? Oh, the Tonys. Smack. Zzz.)

No, I'm talking about the Golden Globes and the Oscars. And the Golden Globes are great because they've got such a quorum of famous people. They're rockin' it movie-style AND tv-style. Plus all the celebrities are drunk and wander around from table to table schmoozing. (I far prefer watching people schmooze, even fleetingly from a great distance, to schmoozing myself which I find a holy terror. I wish I could watch a whole show of actors schmoozing, skillfully and unskillfully. I wouln't be able to take my eyes off of it. It fascinates me because I find it so difficult.)

Then there are the women's outfits. Sorry, fellas, but I have never seen a tuxedo so interesting and well-executed that it caused me to give a shit. The ladies have all the plumage. It's our revenge on the bird kingdom. Naturally, since I'm an actor - it doesn't matter that I don't have a movie career...or even really a stage career...Q. Uh, what kind of actor are you, exactly? A. Shut it. - I examine all of the outfits and pick the ones I will emulate when my award-winning movie career materializes out of thin, thin air. (As the years go by, I start keeping an eye more to your Helen Mirrens, your Brenda Blethynses, as I'm increasingly one of those long-sleeve wearing older actresses in my fantasy - I'm keeping it real, see?)

Here are some Golden Globe looks of yore which I've admired:



This is one of my favorite things Nicole Kiman has ever worn. The color is so rich and the look isn't stiff, which is a sartorial pet peeve of mine. I love a little artistic touch like the feather there.



Sarah Jessica Parker generally looks like her hair is giving her a migraine, and she usually looks wicked stiff, but I love the sparkly gray juxtaposed with her teal shoes and eye makeup. I'll give you this one, ma'am.



Shiva Rose McDermott, lose the watch-fobbish string thing, and we are in business.



Gwyneth Paltrow got flack for this look, but I thought it was very charming for her pregnant figure. Pregnant ladies doing sleek minimalism are barking up the wrong tree.



Debra Messing is also white and fluffy and pretty here.



Cate Blanchett has to work hard not to rock it. If she wanted to not rock it here, she failed.



Jennifer Aniston, you know thyself. Kudos.



Kate Hudson, you are a loose cannon, mama. But this made you look like a big sexy glass of champagne. And I don't even like you.



This is an Oscar dress but I don't care. It's my favorite ever. Julianne Moore looks perfect.



Now, listen. I would rather see this train wreck...I would a million times rather see this or Bjork's WHATTHEFUCK swan dress than...



...this boring, flat, "classy" bit of business from Talbot's or Staples or wherever she got this piece of plain white paper. A bad day for Filliam H. Muffman, Inc.

There. I've said it. You have an hour and a half to reach me by phone, and then I'm like Dick Cheney, twenty thousand leagues under the sea in my contact-proof bunker.

P.S. It stings me that I've barely seen any of the nominated movies/performances. I must not glare at the baby this evening. I must not glare at the baby this evening. I must not glare at the baby this evening.

P.P.S Finn issued this statement two mornings ago, "Boo qua qua qua."

P.P.P.S. I can't glare at the baby. I just tried.