Saturday, June 23, 2007

reading comprehension pop quiz


Oh, Lord.

Dave and I, yesterday, we....

We went to a wedding. Well, no, we...we went towards a wedding. We aimed ourselves at a wedding. We also hit a wedding. But, it - so...

My mom babysat Finn. Oh, we got it all set up. We got him all set up with her, with his toys and books and foods. And we got all dolled up. I ran around that day looking for the right lipstick. Dave wore a TIE. (On which, more later.)

The wedding was to begin at 7:15, on a special boat. We left the house late, but traffic fairies sparkled around our car and delivered us to the boat just about on time. The wedding was just about underway, but we made it.

This was the wedding of a couple of actor friends. When I looked around the crowd, I marveled at how I didn't know any of these actors. Hats off, bride and groom, I was thinking. You have managed to find a whole different fuckin' pocket of the theater scene. Who is everyone? You'd think I'd know ONE person in the crowd.

Yes, everybody looks very unfamiliar. Unfamiliar, indeed. Hmmm. I think I'll ask this man with a camera here, on a whim, the names of the bride and groom.

I stage whisper, what wedding is this?

(I'm all ready for it to be the _____-_______ wedding.)

The man whispers back, this is the Pascale-Squire wedding.

Um. But. This boat. Is the boat. This is the time. This is the time and the boat. Are there two weddings on this boat? I must go up these steps now and find out. Go farther into the boat and find out.

I start to go up steps. There are very ready and freaked-out looking bridesmaids lined up on them looking at me. What are they saying? They're saying NO. NO.

Voices below me are saying, NOT THAT WAY.

The song that was the processional in Dave's and my wedding - Buckets of Rain - begins to play. I am disoriented. It is a miracle that I don't turn around and march slowly to meet the groom.

I come back down the steps and scoot around to Dave. This is terrible. Where is our wedding? It is surely starting right now! Oh, we'll be late now, for sure. We'll just make it on time for the reception. Won't people laugh, though, at the reception we'll be at in a short while, here? We'll all be laughing and laughing in about half an hour.

We exit the boat, which mercifully is not a boat that moves through water. It's a boat that stays near land. Otherwise, we would have been forced to Vaughn-Wilson the Pascale-Squire wedding while we sailed around interlopingly with them.

We stand on the dock, thinking. I should have brought the invitation. June 22nd, I know that. The 22nd, for sure. I know. I'll call my brother. He's at home with the invitation.

We call him and he reads us what it says on the invitation. While he reads it, my ear tries to turn around and climb into my brain. It's like, brain, don't let this in. Don't listen to this man. You know better than this. I will defend you, brain. He is saying something about July 22nd. He is CRAZY.

No, he's not crazy. Poor bride and groom. THEY'RE crazy. They sent out all those beautiful invitations with the wrong date on them. Is what I honest-to-God think next. That's so sad. So expensive.

Then my mind relents, and that is when I pee my pants a little. We are a month early for the wedding. I'm doubled over giggling in my hurty shoes.

Dave is great about it. Fantastic, even while wearing a noose. He even let me pick out the noose. He loathes ties so much, there is no overstating the case. So his application process for potential ties has historically been, let's say, BAROQUE. Nothing geometric. Only curvy lines. But not like that. No, it has to be shapes like you might find in nature. No, not nature like that. Not nature like that, either. See, look at this tie, which is neither possessed of curvy nor natural-looking patterns. This is almost right. But not right. But close. WHAT?!

But he let me just pick it. And it had purple in it. And it was unnatural. And he looked HOT!

We decide to go out to dinner, since there's no way we're going home after we've gone to such great lengths to look as awesome as possible in our nooses and foot-stabbers. On the way to dinner, Dave is so great. I'm apologizing and he's like, no, I mean it. This is great. If someone had told me years ago that this was the kind of thing my wife would do, I would have been like, BANG. YES. THAT'S MY WIFE. BANG.

We went to the same restaurant we went to after we tried to go see Casino Royale the first time. We were angling for the table of honor again. We thought, this story is so hilarious, they will give us the table of honor again and then it will be even more hilarious! We were like, we're going to play it cool, but we're going to tell them the story. We won't let on that we know about the table of honor, but we'll make it IMPOSSIBLE for them to resist giving it to us. We got there and told the guy the story, but he was so focused on calling Dave "my man" as many times as possible that he was unable to read between the lines.

But when you can't be bothered to read past the J-U on an invitation, if you're like, aah, screw it. I'm going to stop reading here. I know that that month. I know what's going on. Then you maybe you haven't earned the special table. Or, you've earned a special table, all right. But the different special table.

P.S. I almost forgot. On the "night" "before" "the wedding" I left a comment on the bride-to-be's blog telling her to have a "deep and dreamy sleep". I'm sure she was like, WELL NOW I CAN'T, CRAZY LADY. Because you are creepy.

P.P.S. Which reminds me of the time I went to Home Depot with Dup's Blog and Bladio Blogio and we were waiting for some paint and I was looking at paint chips and sidled up to - or really, the sidling was so close that it was verging on snuggling up to - Dup. And I had a paint chip and I said to Dup, "I almost painted my bedroom like...." in this weird small voice holding up the chip for Dup to see. But it wasn't Dup. It was a freaked-out older man with pursed lips who was looking stoically ahead and pretending that a crazy little special lady wasn't coming on to him about how she almost painted her bedroom this particular color. Like, that could have been you and me in there among this peachy splendor, random man. Ugh.

P.P.P.S. I made this family portrait.

19 comments:

Eve said...

You two crazy kids have THE best dates ever.

It's always a good idea to have a trial run when attending a wedding, very prudent. You'll REALLY have your shit together next month.

:)

Certainlia said...

1. That picture is awesome and I mean GORGEOUS awesome. Can I hire you for portraiture? At some time when I need, um, portraiture.

2. This post made me laugh in that lovely I'm not going to laugh too hard because there are people around me trying to get things done but I just can't help snorting and giggling just a bit way.

3. You two are quite obviously made for each other, and that also makes me snort and giggle, but in kind of a ballad-singer type way.

4. That bride and groom should be really impressed that you are coming to their wedding TWICE.

5. YOU ROCK.

Suzanne said...

I am still laughing at the wedding that wasn't quite yet...

:-)

pete. said...

Damn, you guys crack me up.

dup said...

Oh man, I was in tears after that story. I had forgotten about the Home Depot but now I remember I couldn't stop laughing the day that it happened either.

la Ketch said...

dup just called me and he couldn't even talk because he was crying laughing about the paint chip story. i had to read this story like 5 times before i could tell if this was something that really happened or if you were talking about a dream you had. i can't believe you were walking up towards the wedding party and they were saying, "NO NO NO" and that they were playing buckets of rain and you didn't know anyone. it's just so dream-like that it's crazy. i can not believe you did this. it's so fucking funny. you're the best.

louella. said...

oh, my god.

tina.

i just.

you are so great.

i told c. and he did the silent laugh that lasts so long the other person thinks the call has been dropped, and i said, "are you still there?" and he still couldn't talk so he just beep-booped the buttons on the phone.

i hope our real wedding is half as wonderful as this story. BANG.

Anonymous said...

Okay, this what happened....what you did...takes a rare talent. See, this would happen to me, but just for funzies I would be late to the actual wedding as an additional kick in the pants.

-Andrea

Christopher said...

If I had known marriages could actually be like that, I might have given up my aversion to them a long time ago.

devon said...

LMAO

Ohhhhh, Tina, sometimes I read your blog at work and I LITERALLY have to put my hand over my mouth to keep quiet*.

it's the real day-to-day dilemmas in life that i appreciate - and you just bring it, girl. always. thanks for that. =)


*as if "quiet" is possible when you try to laugh silently; you instead come off sounding like a snorking idiot. but i digress.

flamingbanjo said...

I'm pretty sure I'm going to be playing music at a wedding of some actor friends of yours on July 22nd. If you see me there you're at the right place.

Dear god, this is a funny story. And that guy you've got there is a keeper. BANG.

bladio said...

HAHAHAHAHA you totally did snuggle up to that guy, i watched it happen and i was paralyzed as it unfolded. then we had to hold onto the paint shelves to keep ourselves from falling down laughing. i had forgotten about that until now, oh man...

i'm glad you got out of the wrong wedding in time. good luck next month!

Diesel said...

Damn, you kill me. This is hilarious. You need to call the bride to be in like a week and say "Where IS everybody? We're STARVING!"

Ash said...

LOL - Too funny!

Angie said...

*laughing*

thank you for this! Too funny.

kris marie said...

Dear oh dear I'm all teared up. xoxo kp

Kristin said...

Oh lordy, Tina, you crack me up. I was so picturing you guys sailing away on a boat with the wrong wedding. Hilarious.

tina said...

Thanks, everyone! You make me want to be a month early for everything.

And it's so much better than a month late.

Chris said...
This comment has been removed by the author.