Because I tired. So tired. Hilary Swank, may I say you're lucky I'm not in the mood. And that's all I'll say about that. Except ARE YOU SEVENTY? Are you a seventy-year-old who feels she's looking spicy? I can't put my finger on it. It's just wrong.
Take comfort, Hilary Swank. I, too, have been given an unsolicited bad sartorial review. When I was working at a daycare back in my early 20's, I wore a big, baggy, purple ankle-length dress with a square neck to work one day. One of the Pre-K girls, Hannah, marched up to me and said, "You look ugly. That's a fat dress and I can see your neck." This from a girl wearing a Mickey Mouse sweatshirt, a miniskirt and pants. Know, Hilary Swank, that I know that I'm the girl in the skirt and pants as I'm armchair-quarterbacking your look. I wouldn't benefit from a surprise visit from the paparazzi tonight or any night...
...but your hair! It's like uptight Grandma hair! You're like an uptight Grandma halfway on the loose on a singles cruise.
I'm wearing my very cutest sweatpants as I type this.
All right. I have a bunch of Oscar frock pictures saved on the computer but I just can't do it tonight. They're there, though, ready. Tomorrow I do it.
In the meantime, behold this charming bit of Oscar-ness!
This is from my dear old friend Kris's blog, Complain-O Peeps. Linus is Kris's three-year-old son and he is an extreme awesomehead:
The Oscars are a mystery
This is what watching the Oscars with Linus is like:
Linus: What's this?
Me: The Oscars, honey.
Linus: The what?
Me: The Oscars. The Academy Awards. It's an award show for movies.
Linus: For scary movies?!
Me: For all movies.
Linus: Who's that guy?
Me: That's John Stewart, he's the host.
Linus: The what?
Me: The host. Ummm. He's in charge of the show.
Linus: What's that?
Me: That's a clip from a movie. Uh, they're showing part of one of the movies.
Linus: A clip?
Me: Yeah.
Linus: What's that?
Me: That's a clip from another movie.
Linus: What's that?
Me: That's a cl - Honey, they're going to be showing clips from a lot of movies, so you don't need to ask every time, ok?
Linus: Is that a clip?
Me: Yes.
Linus: Who's that?
Me: That's the host.
Linus: Who's that?
Me: That's one of the people presenting an award.
Linus: Who's that?
Me: That's Javier Bardem, he just won an award.
Linus: Why are the people clapping?
Me: They're clapping for the guy who just won.
Linus: Who? Who just won?
Me: That guy, Javier Bardem.
Linus: Did he win a prize?
Me: Yes. An Oscar.
Linus: An Oscar?! Is that a good prize? Is it like a treat?
Me: Yes, I think he's happy he won this prize.
Linus: Who's that?
Me: Another presenter.
Linus: What's he talking about?
Me: About who might win the next prize.
Linus: What's that?
Me: More movie clips.
Linus: Is it a scary movie? Does it have bad parts I can't watch?
Me: No, not these clips. They're short.
Linus: Who's that?
Me: That's the host, honey, remember?
(I bleep bloop through some boring crap)
Linus: Why are you skipping?
Me: Because it's not interesting. Just a bunch more clips.
Linus: Is it bad stuff for me not to see??
Me: No, just not very interesting.
Linus: What are they doing?
Me: They're singing one of the songs that might get an award.
Linus: (Lifts up his hands mimicking the people on stage) Why are they doing that?
Me: I don't know. It's part of the performance.
Linus: Who's that?
Me: That's another presenter.
Linus: Is that another clip?
Me: Yep.
Linus: Is that another clip?
Me: Yes, please don't ask every time, ok?
Linus: Who's that guy?
Me: I think it's time for your bath.
