Monday, December 21, 2009

emergency techniques

1. Emerge.
2. Check for bleeding. Are you bleeding? You're not. Good. The accident was a metaphor.
3. If you are bleeding, please stop reading this list.
4. Imagine that the accident only just happened a second ago. Assume you're in shock. Assume the accident was grave. Your responsibilities diminish immediately. Let others determine fault. All you need to do is accept the blanket and the cup of coffee and let yourself be squired to a nice hotel.
5. Watch movies on hotel cable.
6. Pretend you have amnesia and that this ignominious business is nothing to do with you. Nothing whatsoever. You're a Habsburg, for the love of all that is holy. You're descended from Confucius. This is all too ridiculous and will all be straightened out presently.
7. Just get here. "What happened? I just got here!" "There's too much to explain. Just wash this." "Okay." Do this constantly.
8. Many of the techniques have to do with denial. Note: these are emergency techniques.
9. I'm just a nice little hedgehog who lives in a tree with her seven children! Has there been some hullabaloo? Hm. Well. It all sounds awfully difficult. Off to bed, everyone! But not until you finish eating all your jam. My, my.
10. A classic technique is to be French. "It is complicated."
11. Hatch a plan, very impossible, with a rapidly approaching deadline. I have to be elected President by when? Jesus. I better get to work.
12. While campaigning, don't be alarmed if others are alarmed by the sight of all the imaginary blood on your shirt. Fold this into your campaign in a positive way. There's no time to change shirts! Only to roll up sleeves and solve problems!
13. When you're elected, this will be an accident of a different color, and completely consuming. You will have advisors to help you develop new techniques for your new problems. And finally, you will be able to launch an investigation into everything that happened previously. Don't do it, though.


Anonymous said...

If you aren't a published writer it's a god damn shame. I can't express how this piece made me feel except: sublimely unsettled.

Christopher said...

Um, hope everything is okay...

Deb Abramson said...

Seriously. You need an agent. Maybe that's not where you're at right now. But if you decide you want to get published, I know people who know people. Fuck, you know what?, I just plain know people. You are one-of-a-kind. So lemme know if I can help.

And also, yes, is everything OK?

Tina Rowley said...

Everything is okay, sweet friends. You know how it goes. Life throws some challenging days out there, but it's nothing overarching. Just venting/strategizing/making lemonade, as it were.

Dang, Deb. I will email you. That's fantastic. Thank you, truly.

Anonymous said...

Glad that I could help facilitate things. I'll look for my thank-you in your first novel. LOL.