Monday, May 19, 2008

somebody else hold the football next time

Rewind this picture by like five seconds to where Charlie Brown is just coming up to make the kick and that is how I feel about trying for a baby again in a little while here. We'll be trying in just a few weeks. Would wait a little longer if we could, but ti-i-i-ime is not on our side. No, it's not.

Who is Lucy? Is God Lucy? Is the not-here baby Lucy? Who's freaking me out? Somebody is. Somebody's holding the football.

Listen, football holder. Why did you do what you did? See, this is where it's not so hot when you don't believe in an empty, random universe. If I really felt this all were empty and random, I'd have my answer. No reason! But I do think that things happen for a reason, and I'm not feeling so dialed-in to this one. If this wasn't a good time to be born, why break my heart like that? Why didn't you just wait until the better time in the first place? Who am I talking to? The baby? Who's in charge, here? What the hell happened? What was THAT all about? Are you fucking with me?

I'm afraid to want the baby again. I feel muffled about it. I feel flat and glum and not wanting to be fucked with. I was so excited before and I don't feel it now. LaKetch advised me to just go for it, and allow myself to really want the baby. It's good advice, but I can tell that to do that I'm going to have to feel a bunch of pain that I'm squishing down. Damn. She's right, but I don't know when exactly I'm going to kick off that weepfest. When's good? When's good for one of those? I know. A little bit LATER.

But it can't be a lot later. I'm too OLD.

I'm just going to swipe at the keyboard with my paws now, self-pity style:

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That is all.


Eve said...

Oh, lovely you. I am of the opinion that this is the one situation where you just HAVE TO lay it all on the line. Stick your neck way the hell out there. I mean, look at Finn. There's no business as heartwrenching as this parenting gig, you know that. But what are you gonna do- NOT try? That won't work.
You are coming out of this hurricane a winner either way- look at your sweet family.

Ugh, I hope this didn't sound bossy or trite. I just want to send you a warm hug, and wish you everything good this year.


Kris McN said...

Alternatively, I think it's ok to go into trying again feeling a little guarded. Hopefully, hopefully, but guarded, protecting yourself a little. I was scared, so scared, to try again. I absolutely knew that we were going to try again, but I also knew it would be a loooong time, if ever, before I would be, I guess. So we went ahead anyway. Turns out though, that when I did get pregnant, I very quickly knew, just knew, that everything was going to be ok this time. This let me get over (for lack of a better word) the previous experience. It's like, rather than needing to be fully open to get pregnant again, getting pregnant again let me be fully open.

Much love, Lady.

john said...

Just talking about the football part:

I've always been struck by Lucy's facial expression in these comics where she does this horrible thing. It's never vengeful or angry or mocking. It's almost placid, like this is just the way of the world, she did not choose this action, it simply had to be so. THAT is what is so disturbing about these Peanuts strips.

Charles Schulz, a native of St Paul, battled clinical depression his whole life, of course, lending a haunting undertone to the proceedings.

Again, just talking about Lucy here. Best of luck on all these other issues. Sending whatever strength I can.

la Ketch said...

I def think you need to let go of this lucy football metaphor because the whole thing with that is that she pulls it away EVERY TIME. She can't help herself. She just has to do it. So yes, let someone else hold the ball... hm, who should it be.... Garfield? no, he's too lazy to hold the ball, I KNOW, Jesus? no, no, not him... I got it, I got it, you hold the ball. You and Dave and Finn hold it together. Go Gurl!