Tuesday, March 15, 2011

a message from fred rowley, age 21 months, who has pneumonia


(Fred enters, appearing to kickbox something.)

FUCK YOU. Yes, you. All of you. All of this.

(Fred swings his arms panoramically, culminating in a double bird-flip.)

Mom, Dad. Fuck you. Fuck you and your nebulizer. Yeah, you have me in a headlock today. But someday I'm coming for you fuckers, and it will be when you least expect it, and let me assure you my retribution will be swift and merciless. I will chop your fucking heads off.

Dad, I'm starting with you right now. I'm going to bite your goddamn shoulder early and often until your whole infrastructure falls to pieces.

Mom, YOU. YOU I don't even....et tu, Brute? I'm not even talking to you. You don't even get a "fuck you". I take back the earlier "fuck you" for you. I'll let you know when you're even a candidate. You have to exist to merit one of those.

New bottle full of Pedialyte instead of milk, fuck you. I don't even KNOW you. Okay, screw it. I will drink this bullshit once. Yes, okay. This is all right. No, wait. No, on second thought, fuck you. Fuck you in the ear. I'm going to slap you all the way into Idaho if you keep coming at me like that. Pedialyte. Can I get some fucking Pedialyte up in here? Who do I have to blow to get a bottle of goddamn Pedialyte? Oh, you mean THAT STUFF? Oh, fuck you.

Bananas, yogurt, Jello. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.

Children's Hospital, I don't know who you think you're fooling. Mom and Dad are all, oh, we're so glad we came, oh, they're so nice here. Well, fuck you. Fuck you and your cutesy purple dragon mask nebulizer. Do you think I'm a goddamn idiot? My parents are wrestling this bullshit on to me for a SOLID FUCKING HOUR and I'm supposed to submit because it looks like Barney? I don't even watch Barney, you fucking dweebs. And I'll submit when hell freezes over. You can swaddle me all you like. I'll break out of that shit and kill you all.

Yeah, I'm not done with you, Children's Hospital. Fuck your kangaroo mural, fuck your little "follow the rocket!" floor tiles, fuck your balloon motif, fuck your x-ray room koalas. Fuck that little glowing red thing you taped to my toe. Yeah, that's right. I'm gonna claw that tape off. Yeah, you better get out the duct tape. You want that glowing red thing on my toe, you're going to have to go maximum security on that shit.

Hey, there, Kids Clinic, with your stupid fucking logo with the backwards "s" on the end of "Kids", don't think I forgot who sent me to Children's Hospital. It was you cocksuckers and I will never forget. Look, I'll admit that I seemed cheerful when we were driving away from you. That's because I thought we were going HOME or somewhere OTHERWISE cool.

Home USED to be cool, at least.

Fuck you.

(Fred karate chops the air.)

Blackout.

18 comments:

Suzanne Morrison said...

Oh, you poor thing! I hope this passes quickly. But at least in the midst of your maternal misery you are still capable of writing posts that make both me and the husband spit with laughter. Bit of a silver lining, that.

Suzanne Morrison said...

Well, that silver lining's nice for us, anyway. You're still in Pedialyte hell. I hope that changes soon!

Catrien said...

I don't have children and can only imagine how stressful and frustrating this is. But I have to say you made my morning with this post. I can't stop giggling at your writing. Think you nailed it here, and so funny....
(Good luck, by the way!)

Meg said...

Oh, Fred! FRED, BUDDY! You're adorable when you're mad. I know you hate it when I say that, but I just can't help myself. *pinches cheeks* *ducks as Fred's left hook comes flying at nose*

mollycoddler said...

It's a hard world for the little ones. And yes, fuck that hospital, the nebulizer, and the pedialyte. I think you're totally right.

me said...

You are officially the funniest person ever.

Maria Glanz said...

dang. You are amazing, Ms. Tina. My heart goes out to you, Fred, and the whole damn family. Hang in there.
Wow. The word I have to type in below to leave this comment is "belcalm" - an odd mixture of be calm and bedlam... appropriate?

Anonymous said...

Oh no! It helps (a little) if you tell yourself that it's all about building a better immune system. I'm hereby decreeing this as Best Cathartic Toddler Post of 2011. Mom should try a little Pedialyte & Absolute; I hear that's cathartic as well.

Skye said...

I feel kinda bad for laughing so hard at your poor, sick kid, but holy shit! That was hilarious! The karate chop ending almost sent me to the floor.

Me, Simply said...

This was out of control funny. Its great that you can find humor in the tragic.

Tina Rowley said...

Aw, thanks, sweet people.

It's important to note that the situation has been downgraded from sort of tragic to a gentle drag. The pneumonia diagnosis was mistaken. He's got bronchialitis, which is an easier, far less dangerous kind of suck. His verve is returning. (Well, he wasn't really lacking verve, I suppose. Joie de vivre. That's what's back on the rise.)

tjay said...

Yeah Mom, a little Pedialyte & Absolute and you two can make like friends again. Eventually. (I couldn't get mine to drink that stuff ether. Not without the vodka.)

Anonymous said...

Alice Bradley linked to this post on her Redbook blog, and thanks to you both for totally making my winter/spring. I have a a 2.5 year old who totally concurs with all the fuck yous, and he would also like a big fuck you to eye drops (pink eye one week after being hospitalized with RSV and bronchitis) and oral antibiotics (he would say, "Fuck you, squirty medicine. Your cheerful pink color fools no one.").

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Brit's Quarter Life Crisis said...

Hahah this is the best thing ive read since i started on this site a few days ago. Though the being sick is not funny and I hope things get better, the writing was hilarious.

The Skinny Mini Network said...

Freaking funny !!! I thinking of the expression your child must have had on their little face . lolololll awhhh poor baby ...

Tina Rowley said...

Tjay: Oh, I made an uncharacteristic trip to the liquor store that week. Yes, I did. Believe it.

Anonymous: Thanks to Alice and to you! Please send my regards to your poor besquirted toddler. It's just not right. And I'm so glad you dig the place!

Brit: Thanks, ma'am! (And Fred's all better now. Whew.)

Mini...if I may call you Mini: Yay, thank you! Yes, Fred was looking pretty ferocious. He wasn't having it.