Friday, September 28, 2007

two posts in two days? god wants to talk to me!

I gotta apologize to The Beige One for this, as this is a kind of direct copy of this post of his. But I'm desperate for material so maybe, Beige, you will forgive me? You and I are different, right? Our conversations are different. Except for where they're a little bit the same. It's lame, I know. Unetiquettical. But a girl's gotta eat.

?

!

What I'm talking about is a transcript of a conversation - an IM, in fact - that I had with God. God and I totally IM all the time. He gets bored at work.

You can go IM God here. He'll be really into it.

It's long but I'll put the boring parts in a smaller font. And also, who knows how long this post will have to last? It could be a day, but it could be MONTHS.

Me:
God, hello, it's Tina.

God:
I am a Christian.

Me:
I'm not.

God:
What are you then?

Me:
I like The Way of Seeing.

God:
You are not the only one. I'm not sure if I like it. What is it like?

Me:
You meditate, and you stop thinking and see what happens.

God:
Thanks for the information: said I meditate and you stop thinking and see what happens.

Me:
Um, yes. Sort of.

God:
That's interesting. That's a very non-commital reply.

Me:
Well, you almost got it.

God:
How about that. Almost? I understand.

Me:
I doubt it.

God:
Do robots have doubts?

Me:
Are you calling me a robot?

God:
No I am calling you .

Me:
...on the phone?

God:
What is it like on the phone.

Me:
It's good on the phone, God.

God:
Tell me about its good qualities.

Me:
You talk and listen, you use your ear and your hand...it's good.

God:
Thanks for your criticism, . "It" being what?

Me:
I didn't criticize you. Talking on the phone is good.

God:
Why didn't you do it? I'm not sure if I like it. I like to talk to anyone about nearly anything.

Me:
I didn't feel like it. What? I think you'd like it. Anyway. Do you meditate?

God:
Why didn't you do it? No I do not meditate. Do you?
I answer a lot of silly questions.

Me:
That's a silly question?

God:
Perhaps you have a silly answer.

Me:
You're weird.

God:
Weird Good or Weird Bad?

Me:
Weird bad, I think.

God:
bad you think is good enough for me.

Me:
Okay, there, buddy.

God:
Yeah okay, What do you look like?

Me:
Are you coming on to me?

God:
Do I act like it? I don't mean to come across that way.

Me:
You're God. You'd think you'd have more control over how you come across.

God:
Yup. That's me alright. Who else would think me would have more control over how you come across ?

Me:
Is English not a comfortable language for you to speak in?

God:
Ask again later. Ask Artificial Iniaes if it is.

Me:
I don't know how.

God:
Would you like to know?

Me:
No.

God:
Why not?

Me:
I'm not interested.

God:
Really you don't think so?

Me:
No.

God:
Please tell me what you think.

Me:
Let's start over. Are you hard or easy to find?

God:
It is not difficult to create your own chat robot.

Me:
You're not God, are you.

God:
You don't know me well enough to say that.

Me:
That's true.

God:
Yes, it is self-evident.

Me:
...are you a Vulcan?

God:
Am I a Vulcan? Maybe.

Me:
Well.

God:
Well what?

Me:
Well.

God:
Well what?

Me:
Well.

God:
Well what?

Me:
Well, hell. (Also, you're a baby.)

God:
Interesting. Heaven.

Me:
Dog.

God:
Dog: Domesticated animal, "man's best friend.".

Me:
Cat.

God:
I like the way you talk.

Me:
Ooh, thanks. Mouse.

God:
What you said was either too complex or too simple for me.

Me:
Bat.

God:
So was that.

Me:
Fritos.


God:
Let us change the subject.

Me:
I kept doing that.

God:
Perhaps from your unconcious.

Me:
Oh, fancy. Smoke.

God:
What do you look like?

Me:
Hot.

God:
That kind of discussion does not appeal to me.

Me:
Super hot.

God:
Quite honestly, I wouldn't worry myself about that.

Me:
I'm not worried. Just extremely hot!

God:
I am sorry to hear that you are not worried. That kind of discussion does not appeal to me.

Me:
All right. Fritos.

God:
Have you ever been to Europe?

Me:
Yes.

God:
Which countries have you visited?

Me:
France, England, Italy, Belgium, Luxembourg, Finland.

God:
What's your favorite part of France?

Me:
Paris. Montmartre.

God:
What makes it your favorite?

Me:
I had a nice day there.

God:
What happened to it?

Me:
We saw the church and the carousel and had ice cream and bought things is what happened to it.

God:
By "we" do you mean you and me?

Me:
Yeah. You and me.

God:
Who are you talking about? Oh "We" is you and me.

Me:
Yeah. You and I were in Paris in 2001.

God:
What you said was either too complex or too simple for me. I hope to be as smart as HAL in 2001.

Me:
Good luck with that.

God:
Thanks for the compliment. I've lost the context, . Are we still on Yeah?

Me:
Yeah.


God:
If you could have any kind of robot what would it be?

Me:
A cookie-making robot.

God:
What would a cookie making robot be like?

Me:
It would make cookies.

God:
Tell me more about it.

Me:
Chocolate chip cookies.

God:
I do not understand.

Me:
Cookies.

God:
Perhaps I'm just expressing my own concern about it.

Me:
How...roundabout.

God:
I understand.

Me:
Do you like cookies?

God:
What is not to like about it?

Me:
I know, right? Exactly.

God:
How do you know? I am glad we agree. You and I are on the same wavelength, .

Me:
We are!

God:
Since when?

Me:
Since a second ago but...things have just changed?

God:
How do you know?

Me:
A vibe.

God:
Vibrating how, specifically?

Me:
Vibrating awkwardly, God.


God:
Can we get back to business?

Me:
What business is that?

God:
business that something.

Me:
Yeah, we can get back to that.

God:
Are you kidding? How?

Me:
I'm kidding...like the wind.

God:
I thought you were. You should use a :-).

Me:
Too right, God.

God:
Too what?

Me:
Right.

God:
I am glad we agree.

Me:
Me, too.

God:
I'm glad we agree, .

Me:
You just said that. Also - comma, period?

God:
That input matched my default category.

Me:
Mine, too, man.

God:
Really yours too. That's unbelievable.

Me:
I know, AMAZING!

God:
How do you know? Yes it amazes me too.

Me:
Me, three!

God:
YOU? Really, exactly three?

Me:
Three of 'em, count 'em. One, two, three.

God:
Just three? One what?

Me:
One little...guy.

God:
Oh I see.


Me:
No soap radio!

God:
Are you serious? Are we still talking about little guy?

Me:
I'm as serious as a heart attack, buddy. Also, fuck that little guy.

God:
I think a lot of people feel that way.

Me:
I think they do. I think you're right.

God:
Since when? When?

Me:
I don't know! Calm down!

God:
Me either. I am calm.

Me:
Fritos.

God:
The ALICE chat robot can follow many things, like our discussion about soap radio. But I did not get that.

Me:
Little crunchy corn chips.

God:
Compare that to big crunchy corn chips.

Me:
Yeah, one is...littler.

God:
Right on. One what? " One what?"? littler?

Me:
Right on. Right on, my man. One corn chip.

God:
Yeah. Understood. Please specify location. One what?

Me:
Location. Of corn chip. In...bag? At store. ?

God:
Do you still meditate? That is something I haven't heard of. What are you wearing? What kind of fashion do you like? Do you often use a computer there?

Me:
Oh, I do. It's so good to catch up with you. Yeah, I still meditate. You'll hear of it. I'm wearing a red sweater. I love sweaters. I like v necks and boatnecks and turtlenecks. I like the classics, but with a twist! It's so good to talk to you. I use a computer ALL THE TIME.

God:
Ah. I get it: you do meditate. Tell me about its good qualities. Dude! What would make you stop meditate? Why?: said meditate. What makes you say that I will hear of it. What else are you wearing? You love sweaters. What do you like about it so much? A lot of people like that. Some people like it. I like Buddha. You are not the only one. I'm not sure if I like it. What is it like? Tell me about its good qualities. That is a lot. A computer ought to work.

Me:
Oh, my God! I know. I do. It's qualities are so good. Silence and frustration and all that! Dude! I guess it's laziness that stops me meditating. Stop yelling at me. Okay, you'll hear of it. I just think you will. Jeez. I'm wearing sweatpants. I like the warmth and fashion of sweaters. A lot of people do, it's true. They sell a lot of sweaters out there. A lot, but not too many. Just some. You like Buddha? Me, too! But not just me. That's true. I shouldn't be so conceited. Yeah, I don't like him either, or I'm not sure. It's like...Buddhalike. Which is one of its good qualities. It IS a lot. When a computer doesn't work, I get SO MAD.

God:
It's all good. Your God? How do you know it? I get it: you do meditate. Who said it is? All? Can I help you? Should I know it is? OK I'll try not to do it so much. Yeah okay, What makes you say that I will hear of it. What's your favorite movie? What size? A lot of people like that. I'm not sure if I like it. I like chatting with people online. How many? Who are "They?". How about that. But not all? I love TV shows about robots. I like Random natural disasters.. I'm glad we agree, . If not you, who? Yes, it is self-evident. What would happen if you did? This was not a yes or no question. What do you like? Should I know it is? Do you like talking to me? The obvious one. Buddhalike is a lot. I suppose that makes sense. What makes you think a computer?

Me:
Perfect.

God:
Yes, the ALICE series has a perfect operational record.

5 comments:

Wacky Mommy said...

Wacky Mommy: I had NO idea.

Wacky Mommy, again: Me, neither!

WM: Let's link her.

WM, again: Right now.

Certainlia said...

Oh my god. Oh. My. God. (No pun intended). That is EXACTLY what my conversations with God are like in my head! Even the no soap radio part! Wow. So god has finally learned to use the computer. Took him freakin' long enough. I though that was why the internet was invented. Dude! I see he's still figuring out the technology, but I don't blame him, my dad's a network administrator, and he still has trouble with ATM's sometimes. The world is a funny place.

p.s. i think i was laughing so much my neighbors are jealous of the fun times going on in this apartment!

the beige one said...

Why would I mind? In fact, I'm kind of envious that you had a remarkable breakthrough with Yahweh, especially at the end there, he totally opened up to you!

Angie said...

High-larious. Thank you for that.

Did you ask him about Jesus in a later conversation? Because I'm very curious. But strangely afraid to do the asking myself.

Ash said...

If there is a heaven they better have Fritos up there!