Wednesday, September 10, 2014

bringing the emmys alive in 5-7-5

Welcome back, everybody! Boy, do I have the post for what you're still talking about three weeks later around the water cooler, and that's this post about the Emmy Awards. From 2014. 

Here's the thing. You know I love the red carpet. You know I do. Also, you know how you find a fresh song you love and you play it 12 times a day for weeks and you know you're sucking the magic out of it but you keep cueing it up anyway because tomorrow when the song will be dead is the future and the future is some stupid rumor that's probably not even true? The future is true, everybody. I'm there now standing on a mountain of dead songs, and maybe if we're not careful a pile of dead red carpet posts. 

I want to talk about the Emmys but this is the fifth red carpet post I've done this year, which might be more than all the red carpet posts from all the previous years of my blog. I have to protect this form from extinction. I have to be wily. So I'm doing somehing new. With every photograph, I'm giving myself three minutes max to write a haiku about it. I'm timing myself with a timer. Here, look:

A timer. And then I was going to say, "And listen:" but the Blogger app won't let me upload the video I took of me pressing the button and playing the 'Alarm' sound for you, which I've decided after extensive sound trials is the best way to clock out of writing a haiku. It sounds like this:

 {{{BLONK}}} {{{BLONK}}} {{{BLONK}}} {{{BLONK}}} {{{BLONK}}} {{{BLONK}}} 

But more horrible. 

Let's begin!

Poofy risk taker
In blood-dipped maxi-tutu,

(Three minutes is hard.)

Here, fresh from battle:
Samurai Debra Messing.
She lost but she lived.

Lucy Liu looks nice
In my Mommy's old nightgown.
I loved that nightgown. 

Orange creamsicle,
What are you hiding in there?
Floral lace bike shorts?

Christina Hendricks
In flaming persimmon:
That shit is not fair.

Cylons and Klingons!
Commence fighting over your
Cranky, pointy bride.

Modest lady in
the most popular color,
So sweet and so smug.

I'd love this cape more
If Christine Baranski would 
Fly around in it.

Cheerful PoMo elf!
Tell us about Thunderdome!
That sounds super fun! 

Kate Walsh looks like a 
Statuesque jonquil
In this flippy gown.

Your shiny gold can't
Distract me from my question:
Are you wearing braces?

Camilla Alves
Has mad sophisticated
Paper snowflake skillz.

Little pink bundle 
We call Zooey Deschanel:
You take teeny steps.

Once upon a time,
A dress that was a mullet
was Jon Hamm's girlfriend.

Vanessa Williams.
I don't know what to make of 
Your minty peplum.

Katherine Heigl
Is the benevolent queen
Of this parking lot.

This lady looks great.
I just really, really think
This lady looks great.

Allison Janney's
Rosy, wine-y velvet gown 
Looked brighter on stage.

Everybody loves
Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
That's all. Move along.

I love blondes in red,
And five syllable names like
January Jones.

Hey! Howard Johnson's.
That was a line of motels
With this color scheme.

Seth Meyers' lady.
Like a star high school athlete
All girled up for prom.

It's Freaky Friday!
But with Mayim Bialik
And Kate Middleton. 

Hey, look at my ass.
Oh, gross. You're looking at it. 
But look at it, though. 

Saturday Night Live.
Katie McKinnon from it.
She seems kind of mad.

Looking tough in a 
Fancy army parachute:
Sarah Silverman!

Hi, I'm Danielle Brooks.
Does Tina like me the best?
Fuck yes because RAD.

Look, Kelly Osbourne.
I'm always gonna be like,
"What'd you do THIS time?"

Lampshade-shaped lady,
You made time and space stand still.
Is what it looks like.

Listen, you fuckers.
Robin Wright can kick your ass
Even without feet.

Michelle Dockery
Is a flight attendant on
Heavenly Airlines. 

A little mesh bell
With a confusing waistline
For Kiernan Shipka

Kaley Cuoco!
Technicolor butterfly,
I rescind old snark. 

The end.


JB said...

Welcome back. Blood dipped maxi tutu made me giggle.

the grumbles said...

a round of applause!

Anonymous said...

SO. MUCH. BRILLIANCE. You have cleared the bar and raised it and cleared it again, Tina Rowley!

Lauren Ziemski said...

Tina, you KNOW you're good in my book when I save up your post for that special egg sandwich and hot tea time before I have to start my day. This is our private time, our giggly time, and lo! How I savor it.

Violetfilms said...

Thank you, oh past lives me, for doing so well then that I get the extreme gift of knowing the Gallivanting Monkey in this one. Tina. You sincerely rock my world!

Sheila said...

My but I love these posts!
Once again, I laughed so hard that I startled the cat....

Cheryl in Wisconsin said...

I've never met you
But you are good for my soul
Please continue, friend