Wednesday, January 15, 2014

all the golden ladies



Hold on one second. That's just the blog alarm going off. Somebody's posting in here and that's not normal and so we just like to keep an eye on that and let me look at the security camera and okay that's just me. WEEEOOOO WEEEOOOO click. That ought to shut it WEEEOOO WEEEOOO click BAM. BAM.

Okay, hi. Let's not fuck around. We know why we're here. You know what just happened. You know what kind of carpet it was. Let's talk about it. No, let's YOU LISTEN and ME TALK ABOUT IT. Then you can talk about it. I can't stop you.

It's becoming a tradition to begin by talking about Giuliana Rancic and Kelly Osbourne, since they're the first dressed-up ladies on TV. There have been years that I put on the E! network hours before the Live! From! The! Red! Carpet! event even starts, but I don't do that any more because of mortality and self-respect. No, now I wait until about 2:30, giving myself a dignified mere half-hour with the pre-pre-show. But I tell you what: Giuliana Rancic is in the catbird seat, because I'm always so excited to see somebody in a gown that I'm like I LOVE IT before my eyes even focus and I can see what it is. And this year was no exception. I mean, it's fine. But I'm trained since kindergarten to automatically freak out if somebody's wearing a fancy, fluffy, red dress, so I flipped momentarily, and then after my eyes adjusted I was like "Oh."

God bless all of the photographs of Kelly Osbourne on the red carpet. She smiled a liiiiiiittle bit in one of them, but otherwise she is not here to make friends. I start even to wonder what the photographers were saying to her as they snapped her picture. "Kelly! Kelly! You'll never amount to anything! Hey! Did you just come from some kind of museum fundraiser? You're not quite dressed up enough! I mean I guess you are, a little! Is your dress from the Macy's evening gown department? Because it looks like that! Don't smile! Kelly! Don't smile!"

I also want to note that these two launched the hair trend of the evening, the Flat Dreary Pageboy. Hairdressers across Hollywood were like, "You know what? Fuck these bitches. All of them. It's payback time. Oh, I'll style it, all right. I'll style that for you. There. Yeah. You didn't see me coming." So much flat, greasy hair. Does everybody suddenly genuinely love that? I want to understand.

MISSED CONNECTION: You're a correspondent for the E! Network. But you're not Giuliana Rancic or Kelly Osbourne or that man who sits near Giuliana Rancic or the fat, happy, squeaky man. You're a lady, but you have no name. This would have been a great time for you to have a name because your dress was so pretty! And here we are at the Tomb of the Unknown Correspondent. It's so needless. Anyway, you wore white. It was all illusion-y around the collarbones, with white lace floating shoulder sleeve things. Sure, you had flat hair and corpse makeup (the other trend of the night) but your dress made me sigh and say "ohh" as though I'd wandered under a cherry tree in springtime that was gently snowing tiny white blossoms from its delicate branches while fairies wandered beneath drinking champagne. And now nobody will ever, ever know who you are. :(

Zooey Deschanel, I have got to hand it to you. I'm all - hell, we're ALL all - Zooey Deschanel'd out, I mean it's a chronic condition, Zooey fatigue, that we've all learned to live with. And you test us. You know you do. But I'm big enough to declare when I've been beat, and you beat me fair and square, ZD. Your hair and makeup are great, all vivid and feminine, just what your classy little hi-lo understated sparkle gown required. And you were you, all modern young grandmother, how you do, which normally chafes me. You and Sofia Coppola. All, oh, I'm not going to try to be sexy. I'm so alluring I can hide my allure. I have so much extra. Ah, well. Go in peace, Zooey Deschanel. I'm not going to say you have immunity for the next challenge but you're definitely safe. I'm in a good mood.

Until now! You know what? See how I'm not even showing your dress? Yeah. Hair. Hair. We're not even - your dress may as well not even exist. Man, who are you in cahoots with over there? You're not getting away with this. LOOK AT ME, HAYDEN PANETTIERE. You can't look at me, can you. You're scared to look at me. You know you're in trouble. That's why you're being so weird. This isn't funny, by the way. You know what, I'm not going to get anywhere with her. I can see that. Big greasy up-and-back pompapageboy. I don't even...forget it. She's clearly not going to take responsibility.

*I also just want to say, of course, that I didn't stick that "I'M NOT OBSESSED" thing up there, obviously. Because I don't even need to say that. Who thought I was? I'm not. Now it looks like I am.

Whereas you, Tatiana Maslany, whoever you are, you're going to go far with hair like that. I can see that you care about your future, unlike some people, and you're not afraid to do your best. I bet your parents are proud of you. I certainly am. If you ever need a letter of recommendation, don't hesitate to contact me.

Leslie Mann, Adorasexy Sophistikitten.

My mother-in-law, Larraine, and I were watching together, and we both caught a glimpse of this sparkly-backed salmon milkmaid wending her way through the crowd, and we both gasped, and a breeze blew simultaneously through our hair, and we were all WHO WAS THAT DELIGHTFUL FAIRY and WE MUST SEE MORE and WAS SHE REAL and then finally she spoke with Ryan Seacrest and she was real and her name was Sarah Hyland and Larraine didn't enjoy her eyebrows but I felt at peace with them and we both loved the braid over her head and agreed that this is the perfect age for such a braid, this youth age. Because there are windows for a braid like that. You can wear them when you're young, but then you have to stop, and then you can resume them whenever you're ready to be that lady in the poem "When I Am an Old Lady I Shall Wear Purple and Eat Sausages and Throw Shit and Do Whatever I Fucking Feel Like, Etc." I mean, hey. Do it now if you want. I'm just talkin' 'bout Society says you have to stop. I don't say that. I don't know. Let's all wear purple and be milkmaids and do what we want. Fuck it.

Oh my god. Oh my a thousand gods. Lupita Nyong'o. She has come to make everything good on this earth. Amen.

Speaking of red capes and greatness, you know what's nice about having a blog? No one can stop me from posting four pictures of Amy Adams in a row. I can talk about her all I want! I can do anything I want here. I can scribble and pee everywhere and throw glitter on everything, whatever. So I'm going to talk about Amy Adams to my heart's content which is sooo muuuch.

Look at her hair! Look at Amy Adams's cool hair.

It's like Amy Adams knows what I'm about to talk about here. Okay, so, when I saw her getting out of her limo in that cape looking so great, I rejoiced because I love her. And...I'll admit that when the cape came off, I was wondering to myself - quietly, respectfully - if the cut of her dress was 100% flattering. But I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was. And then somebody, let's call this person a source, or sources, sources said that something new this year on the red carpet was a slightly droopy, natural breast. And yes. Yes. I can see that this is so. And I applaud it, in fact, for moral reasons, if not sartorial ones, even if I'm eternally jealous of all you no-bra wearing bitches. It's just not even fair. It looks so sexy, so rad, so free, even if everything isn't exactly perfect. Perfect is stupid anyway. But if I were to try to get away with that...well, I've been arrested once in my life already. I'd know how to handle that again. But still.

Yeah, you know, I didn't notice it because she just looks cool as fuck. Amy Adams. In conclusion, Amy Adams.

Andy Samberg and his fluffy bride stepped out of the limo with the sun making a halo behind them, and her dress was so poofy and sunlit that I was like what is happening and do i like this and this fluffy bride is making me think and then later I remembered that Andy Samberg is married to Joanna Newsom.


Now I see the rest of her dress and not just her sunlit sleeve clouds and I don't like it at all, no, no, no, but it's Joanna Newsom so what else was going to happen, you know? She's operating on a different level. She's just marching to her own little drummer, there. Clam, crab, cockle, cowrie.

Mr. & Mrs. Andy Samberg.

Elisabeth Moss, bang! The hairdressers got her, but otherwise she's just pure, slick, futuristic art deco wizardry. Fucking hairdressers. She could have had it ALL.

Does or does not Tina Fey look just like she's just strolled off the set of Peyton Place and now she's going to step briefly into a time machine and go have a date with William Shatner in 1969? Shh, she does. She was never not photographed with Amy Poehler, so I guess Amy Poehler's going on that date, too, but Shatner will parlay that into something memorable.

Kaley Cuoco, I don't want to pick a fight with you, but nude floral tattoo bustier dress. I believe I just did.

Oh, good lord. Is this like a starlet version of that Maori war dance to intimidate enemies? Let's say it worked. Take your yellow...with you, your...her...and just go. We're not doing this.

You know, I'm tired of being beaten down like a dog by Cate Blanchett's eternal impeccable-ness. I feel like I'm not even allowed to think for myself anymore. I see her and I'm instantly all YES, MASTER. Someday I'm going to rise up, you know? Someday I'm going to do it.

Business in the front, party in the back. Oh, it's good, Blanchett, but it's a mullet. I said it. (I'm just trying to separate from you a little, you know? Build my own identity.)

Here's Margot Robbie not at the Golden Globes because I was so bored by what she wore to the Golden Globes. She's at the "Fuck E.T." party on...Wolf Street.

Oh, now, well you may look smug here, Emma Watson, as I was just admiring your low, modern messy bun and deep side part. But don't look too smug.

Don't look too smug, Pants-Butt.

YOU GUYS, YOU GUYS. This is it. This is my favorite. More favorite, even, than Lupita Nyong'o. Julianna Margulies somehow takes the sketch of the thing that Kelly Osbourne was doing that made her so grumpy and wafts it full of opium and glamour and simple Moroccan-Spanish perfection. Did I eat a hash brownie? Because I'm high on this outfit. I'm high as a fucking kite and I don't know why and I don't care. The little gold threads in the fabric. The contrast between skin, dress and hair. This hit me like Anna Karenina in her black dress at the ball. Sophisticated woman in her prime radiating je ne sais quoi, but in Russian. Spanish. Moroccan. I'm going to eat another brownie. I don't care.

We're looking at Julianna Margulies three times because I'm the sheriff around here.

Her hair! I love the right kind of risk, and this is that. I don't even know if I think this is a total success but I'm so bewitched by her all-in-all that I'm pretty sure I love it. Who knew I had such a latent thing for Julianna Margulies? I'm slipping a twenty dollar bill in my own pocket for not calling her my spirit animal. I liked hearing that the first time but okay already. By the way, this is a photo from Julianna Margulies' little house on the red carpet. She has a magical little cottage there. That's her bowl for spells  on her table, next to her little black leather vagina that she can take out to fill with lipstick and mints. She can do anything! This way her hands are free.

Olivia Wilde is a sexy, Lord-of-the-Rings oil slick. And she's pregnant and looking sublime. I could have chosen a preggier picture, but none of them captured that dark, cool, petroleum thing under the sparkle. Finn loved her best. Fred, meanwhile, is partial to a clip of Lara Flynn Boyle in her pink tutu from fifteen years ago or whenever that was. Lara Ballerina and the Bjork Swan made me happy forever, too. Try stuff, everybody! You won't die. The worst that can happen is that a frumpy, obscure woman in yoga pants will feel empowered to speak into her laptop.

Before I say anything, I have to wonder aloud if the line of photographers was a particular jackass convention this year, what with the Kelly Osbourne situation and now this deal, because practically all of the Sandra Bullock photos were dripping with disdain, which she is not known for dripping with. But, sour countenance aside, Sandra Bullock snuck up on me in layers. First I saw her in a beautiful rosy pink gown, with that long, dreamy side pony. And I loved it. Like an early valentine.

And then I saw more of the dress and, to paraphrase Prince:

color you pink and black
color me taken aback
eye think eye wantcha

And then I saw the rest of the dress, and...well, I'd already been loving it this far, so I didn't really want to change my mind. But the blue, while it's cool and all, broke up my Valentine sex party I was having with it. It was like a mom walked in and threw on the lights and we had to stop doing everything and just watch Back to the Future for the rest of the night.

Drew Barrymore might be the very mom that did that. To her credit, she's assembled a dress from valentines her children have made her in the future, and she's just wearing it proudly, like a big, full-body macaroni necklace.

Maybe Jennifer Lawrence has a little niece or something who made her this butt-gathering ribbon, in that same vein. She's a good person. She'd do that. I'm calling it. A child gave it to her.

Julia Louis Dreyfus is the balls. Veep. The end. (I really enjoyed Enough Said but not even Meryl Streep could make me believe Julia Louis Dreyfus as a massage therapist. I can't think of one less relaxing thing than a massage with any character that Julia Louis Dreyfus has ever played. I'm getting tense just thinking about it!) But who cares? I'm not even here to talk about her dress. Her ponytail was bouncy and perfect. What's to say? The balls.

Rita Wilson looks forever like a super cool, friendly girl from the slightly distant past.

Okay, now, hey. Sure. I mean, yeah. We all see it. But here's what I like: she walked out the door. Paula Patton looked in the mirror, and where most of us would have turned back, she didn't. She was like damn the torpedoes and she walked forward proudly into an uncertain future.

"Goddamnit. What? That's tonight? Listen, I have a newspaper to run. This is The Daily Planet or something. I am a business lady, a newspaper lady, and I'm not leaving work, by god, until I've seen to it that all the business at my newspaper work is done right. Fine. Hand me my tote. There's a strapless dress in it. Let's put a good face on this thing."

And now it's late, and we all must go to bed. Here's your Helen Mirren dream vitamin. Everything bad in the day stops. No more bad. Mirren makes it go away. Pillow. It's safe to let go now. Mirren. Sleep.


Anonymous said...

Oh oh oh - you're back! I'm so thrilled, I'm just going to pretend awards-show dresses mean something to me, too. (There is this Alice Munro story, "Bardon Bus" where the narrator surveys the bookshelves of a young woman - all the contents have something to do with her relationships, past or present. "She learns his language" - so I'll learn fashion language, I guess.)
While you're here, can I just ask because this has been bugging me for eons: what was WRONG with Amy Adams make-up a few years ago? (You know, the one at prompted the "always do your make-up in natural light" comment.) Because I cannot see it, and it is making me nervous.
Stay! Write more! XX,

Eden M Kennedy said...

Oh my God, tears. Your description of Drew Barrymore pushed me over the edge and I tumbled on down to unconsciousness in Helen Mirren's arms. Thank you so much.

Meg McCormick said...

Adorasexy Sophistikitten! I've just met you and I'm in love.

Kir said...

I followed a LIKE from Facebook over here and GODDAMMIT, I couldn't stop reading. I actually started liking awards show again because of your take (although I did, kinda, I did, like Jennifer Lawrence's dress and hair, I LOVE her hair)

but now that's I'm here and I've read you, seen the wizard at the bottom of the page and apparently drank the Kool Aid, I'll be back.You made me giggle...and I needed to giggle.


Arnebya said...

This right here: "she's assembled a dress from valentines her children have made her in the future" made me howl. I'ma die. Seriously. And poor Paula. Poor, poor Paula. BUT! She is consistently dressed like this so while I do want to fire her stylist (unless her stylist is her, in which case I just want to say don't get so high so often), I also want to applaud her for just...wearing half the things she wears. It says a lot about a poor taste person who is serious about owning her poor tasteness.

Elizabeth said...

Please blog more.

Charlotte Klein said...

Oh, my gawd. Where have you been all my life?? Thank you so very much for injecting some funny into an otherwise boring kind of day. Anyone who says things like "Pants-Butt" is alright in my book.

Alexandra from Good Day Regular People sent me here. I always trust her and she did NOT disappoint.


Amber Page Writes said...

You win the Golden Globes. Hands down. So glad I found this post...

Teresa D. Lee said...

I laughed out loud at several of these, especially Drew Barrymore and Jennifer Lawrence and Juliana Margulies. But not because you made fun of the ladies or their avant garde stylists. No, because you paint emotions with words onto descriptions of boring dresses and bored faces. Also really love the newslady shirt stuffed into an evening dress at the last minute. So much energy :)

Krista Swan @kristalswan said...

I, too react breathlessly to the first sight of a big sparkly gown. I just die for all the pretty.
Thank you for this. You have a new fan!

Lauren Ziemski said...

"A big, full body macaroni necklace". My god, Tina. You are a genius.

Tina Rowley said...

You people make me very glad. Thanks for the good word, everybody! Makes my day.

P.S. to Annette: I hate to speak ill of La Adams again but to answer your question, it was a little heavy-handed that year, methought.

Nichole said...

"The worst that can happen is that a frumpy, obscure woman in yoga pants will feel empowered to speak into her laptop." <-- this is my favorite, but it was all my favorite so whatever.

Sheila said...


While I would love if you posted more, I always look forward to this one!

Johnette said...

I'm still crying! Oh my oh my. So brilliant. so funny. I'm with you on all of it.

JoanneMarie Faust said...

Now that you've discovered Tatiana Maslany, you just have to check out her show, Orphan Black. She plays a bunch of clones and not only is she completely adorable, but I totally believe that she is each of those many many people that she plays. She is just that good.

Valerie Green said...

What a great blog - thanks to The Bloggess for sending us here - hang on, because your blog is going to go explodeballs

Basiljaz said...

Fabulous. I had to buy a ball gown once. I wish I still had it. If I did, I would wear it and send you a picture just so I could read what you say about it.

Farmers Wifey said...

The best thing I have read about these "do's", the BEST!!! xo

Girl to Mom- Heidi said...

Hysterical! Found you on The Bloggess. Love your wit. Please talk me to sleep every night.


Suburban Correspondent said...

This is so full of wonderful, I'm glad I stopped by. The Bloggess sent me.

bubbasmom said...

"Sunlit sleeve clouds..." THIS, just...THIS.

And also? "...the Daily Planet or something!"

Oh. My. GOSH. I SO owe The Bloggess a drink! And you one, too. I hope you like tequila.

MILF Runner said...

This is the most exquisitely diaphanous ball-busting post I have ever read IN MY LIFE. Thank you for the delicious entertainment. I would love to watch a red carpet show in the same room with you. Except I would probably pee in my pants from laughing so hard.

Anonymous said...

Well, you can add "Recommended by The Bloggess" to your header, my friend.

Extremely well done - on all counts!

Anonymous said...

so funny! the bloggess sent me over... but i will be back because you are hilarious. now...on to read your older posts.

Diane Lynch said...

Quick, call The Bloggess. She wants to meet you. Me, too.fact

bec p said...

Jenny Lawson sent me here and I am now following you because of this post, so the stakes are high. I expect returns. Many happy ones. Good luck.
-another empowered chick with yoga pants and laptop (God help us).

Tina Rowley said...

Hell's bells! It's a good vibe tsunami up in here. I could not appreciate it more. Jenny Lawson's getting written into my will as we speak, and so are each of you. I'll post pictures of all my jewelry and knick-knacks and everybody can call dibs. Thank you!

Turf to Surf said...

THE funniest thing I've EVER read on fashion. Please write more. All the time. About pretty people in clothes. I just forgot how much work I had to do for a little while and it was nice. Especially love the flat dreary pageboy commentary.
- Tasha

Tammy in PDX said...

Oh lordy...I'm another Jenny referral, and (like everyone else here) I'm hooked! My only concern now is if we'll have to wait another 6 months for a new post...oh, and thanks for the Wizard (I love Gandolf too).

Anonymous said...

Lovely wordsmithing. Please keep blogging. Funny and smart gazing at a beautiful wants it to never end :)

eveapple said...

Oh for Pete's sake. I might have to name my pet ferret after you, you are that awesome. I don't have a ferret, nor do I plan on getting one any time soon, but if I ever did, he'd be your namesake. I'll send photos.

Kathleen Summers said...


Oh please tell me you're doing this for the Oscars too...

Anonymous said...

En masse we came, we scrolled, we chortled. Absolutely smitten with your hilarity and repartee. Better talk to The Bloggess asap. She called friendship dibs but I'm definitely joining the queue!

Anonymous said...

Wow - great job with this, G-monk. I also hope you come back for the Oscars.

A Pleasant House said...

WHo are you and why do I feel the compulsion to follow along? Once I got the hang of your 'voice' I felt like we must have overdosed on those damned award shows together. Well played.

Kimmberlie said...

I'm still laughing. Shoulda known I'd love your writing, since I followed The Bloggess to your doorstep. You have a new fan.

Judy said...

oh what fun. I followed the trail of breadcrumbs from the Bloggess and im so glad I did. thank you.

Trixie Bang Bang said...

Trixie Bang Bang said...

Adorasexy Sophistikitten - I'm naming my next kitten this.

I followed from The Bloggess, glad I did.

Suzanne Morrison said...

Oh, I've been saving up to read this and now I am CRYING. CRYING, TINA ROWLEY. You kill all bad things.

Tina Rowley said...

Keep it coming, people. I'm just going to buy a bigger compliment jar to stick these all in. (You're all the best. Thank you, seriously.)

Trixie Bang Bang: I only removed your comment because I took a guess that you just wanted to leave one. This was not a totalitarian censorship maneuver. You can leave as many as you want!

Trixie Bang Bang said...

@Tina Rowley, thank you, my computer had the hiccups.

Velcro Soul said...

You have given me a reason to worship Wednesdays.

Cheryl in Wisconsin said...

I am always so impressed by anyone that can write something that makes me literally laugh out loud. This definitely did that.

Additionally, your opinions are completely aligned with mine, which makes me think you are a genius.